


WAKE UP!

by cuteandtwisted



Series: In Every Universe [5]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Dreams and memories, Even has interesting dreams, Isak saves him a thousand times over, M/M, Their love is basically EPIC, Ultimate Parallel Universe AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-04 03:49:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10267481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/pseuds/cuteandtwisted
Summary: Even has never seen Isak before. But why does it feel like he's the only person that matters?Or: Even can't remember who Isak is, but he still loves him.aka Isak literally haunts Even's dreams





	1. come back to me

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [WAKE UP! 醒醒！](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10910085) by [watermelonAvery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/watermelonAvery/pseuds/watermelonAvery)
  * Translation into Español available: [WAKE UP!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578557) by [Htuiba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Htuiba/pseuds/Htuiba)
  * Translation into Русский available: [WAKE UP!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11654727) by [Vezunchik_Chip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vezunchik_Chip/pseuds/Vezunchik_Chip)



> Some of you asked for weird. Here's some weird.  
> ILY guys so much <33333333  
> I got this idea while listening to Echos - Coda and I just HAD to write it.  
> *kind of very nervous*  
> I hope you like it

Even first saw him on a train.

It was a perfect day in April. It wasn’t too cold, and it wasn’t too hot. It was just perfect.

Even had rushed into the train to get a window seat and sighed in relief when he spotted an empty one four rows down.

One of his favorite things in the world was looking out the window while riding trains, picking something random in the distance, and waiting for it to disappear from his sight. He would squint his eyes and stare at it for however long it took.

_Don’t disappear just yet. I can still see you._

He would then groan in frustration when a random object would block his view. _Ugh._

The train didn’t look particularly crowded, so he secretly hoped that no one would sit next to him. He didn’t mind having random conversations with strangers. In fact, he loved it. He loved chatting up to people he would probably never see again. He loved the randomness of it all. He loved it.

But today, for some reason, _today_ , he didn’t want anyone sitting next to him.

.

The train moved and the seat next to him remained unoccupied. Even mentally pumped his fist in the air. _Yes._

He stared outside the window for a while, fixating his gaze on objects and playing his favorite game before eventually dozing off.

.

Even woke up to a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach and to fingers digging into his knuckles. Even’s cheek was resting on top of a blonde mop of hair.

_What._

Someone was sleeping on his left shoulder, their face buried in the crook of Even’s neck and their fingers laced with his.

Even panicked for a moment before smiling at the absurdity of the situation.

_What in the world._

It was a boy, a boy with soft blonde hair. He was breathing peacefully against his skin and holding tight, _so tight_ , onto his hand.

Even’s first instinct would have been to push the boy away, or to at least shake him gently and bring him back to reality. But he just stared at him instead, not even bothered by how sweaty his palm was getting.

He lowered his face until he could look at the boy, the boy who was sitting so close that he was almost on his lap.

Even was never a fan of superlatives, but he was positive that he was the prettiest boy he had ever gotten to see up close.

His eyelashes cast ridiculous shadows on his cheeks, and his jaw was sharp, so sharp. He had the cutest nose and the cutest Cupid’s bow. Even almost wanted to touch, almost wanted to wake him up just to look into his eyes. He took a guess and was almost certain that they were green.

_Uh. What the fuck am I doing?_

Even suddenly disentangled their fingers and silently cursed himself for being so _weird_. He moved ever so gently to push the boy’s head off his shoulder without startling him, but still held up his hands just in case his head would end up falling to the other side and he had to catch it.

That didn’t happen. The boy opened his eyes instead.

_Green. Knew it!_

The boy looked confused and disoriented. His eyes weren’t fully open and he seemed to be processing his surroundings.

“Fuck, how long have I been out?” he muttered.

Even just stared at him, unsure if the question was directed to him.

The boy, still groggy and annoyed, looked at him with an _‘I’m talking to you’_ expression.

“Uh, I don’t know,” said Even.

“Shit. I hate falling asleep on the road. I always wake up feeling like shit,” said the boy.

_Grumpy. Cute._

“Uh, me too,” said Even, his heart beating unevenly.

Even was nervous. He was nervous and he wasn’t sure why. Even was never nervous.

The boy brought his palm to his own face, rubbed his eyes, and yawned.

Even just stared at him the entire time, unable to look away.

_So cute._

“What are you looking at?” said the boy, but it wasn’t mean or threatening.

It was almost _fond._ He was smiling.

“Nothing. Sorry,” said Even, turning back in his seat to face forward.

_What the fuck, Even. Control yourself._

The boy laughed.

“Why are you being weird?” he said.

“What?”

“Nothing. Ugh. Shit. I need to pee,” said the boy, standing up. “Where’s the restroom?”

“I think it’s in the back of this car,” said Even.

“Okay, be right back.”

The boy walked away, and Even made a conscious effort to not follow him with his gaze. He was about to grab his backpack from under the seat when the boy came back, cheeks pink and lips slightly parted.

The boy looked around as if to see who was watching, grabbed Even’s face, and kissed him on the lips.

He kissed him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Quick but deep. Lips on lips. Hard but still soft. Tongue barely there but could be if he had parted his lips a bit more. It was perfect. It was a ‘Be right back, baby’ kiss.

_What the fuck._

Even held up his hands and was about to push the boy away when he pulled back, his shy smile all kinds of intoxicating.

“Love you,” whispered the boy, embarrassed. “Be right back, baby.”

.

Even woke up on that same train with a heaving chest and wide eyes.

_What the fuck was that?_

A dream. It was a dream.

There was no blond boy next to him. There was nobody.

Even took a few minutes to just breathe. He then leaned back into his seat and stared outside the window at random things.

_Fuck. It felt so real._

Even couldn’t concentrate.

.

The second time Even saw the boy, it wasn’t in a dream. He was having his afternoon coffee somewhere near his workplace, when he spotted the wavy blonde hair next to the register. He laughed at himself at first.

_Stop being ridiculous. He isn’t the only boy with blonde hair in this universe._

But then he heard him mutter “ _fuck!_ ” and recognized his voice almost instantly. Even stood up and could feel goosebumps all over his body.

The boy, _it was HIM, he was certain_ , had spilled coffee all over himself and was cursing the skies.

“We can replace your coffee,” said the person behind the counter apologetically.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault I’m so stupid,” said the boy.

He turned around then muttered ‘fuck’ a couple of more times.

Even didn’t know what to do.

_Am I dreaming right now? What the hell? Is he real?_

He wanted to ask him, but couldn’t think of a way to formulate his question without sounding insane.

_Oh excuse me, I’ve never met you in my life, but I dreamed of you a few weeks ago. Can you explain?_

Even was about to gather his things and leave the coffeeshop when the boy started walking in his direction. He stopped right in front of him.

“If you make fun of me, I swear to god I will fucking hurt you,” said the boy.

_What?_

“What?” said Even.

“Ugh. Can you believe this shit? Now I have to go home and get changed, fuck me,” said the boy.

“Uh. That sucks,” was all that Even could manage.

“That sucks? Are you serious? This is all your fucking fault! Why am I the one getting you coffee while you wait here?” said the blond boy. “Pfft.”

Even was genuinely confused. Was this boy pulling a prank on him? Even had his own coffee. What was he talking about?

“Here,” said the boy, handing him a cup of black coffee with Even’s name scribbled on it. “You’re lucky I spilled mine, not yours.”

Even had no idea what was going on and almost felt like screaming.

As ridiculous as it was, he brought his arm up and pinched himself.

“What are you doing?” said the boy.

“I’m pinching myself,” said Even.

“You’re so fucking weird,” said the boy, rolling his eyes. “Why do I love you?”

“What?”

The boy leaned in and kissed him quickly.

“Gotta go,” he said before kissing him again. “See you at home?”

“Uh, I? What the fuck?” Even was stuttering and he couldn’t believe this boy had just kissed him, again.

“What do you mean, what the fuck?” he said. “Even, are you okay?”

“Who are you?” said Even.

The boy sighed and rolled his eyes again.

“Even, I don’t have time for this right now. Gotta go. Bye!” He kissed him again before grabbing his bag which was apparently sitting next to Even the entire time. “And don’t forget to buy beer on your way back.”

The boy was gone and Even felt like pulling his own hair.

_What in the actual fuck._

A single cup of coffee with his name on it sat in front of him.

.

“Any mental illnesses I should be aware of?” said the psychiatric Doctor.

“No, I already told your assistant,” said Even. “I’ve never felt anything but normal before.”

“Have you ever felt depressed?”

“Not more than the average person,” said Even.

“Have you ever felt very energized and/or engaged in reckless behavior?”

“No,” said Even.

And it was true.

“Okay,” said the Doctor before closing his notebook. “So what brings you here Even?”

“Uh, I’ve been having strange dreams.”

“Don’t we all?” said the Doctor.

_What a strange Doctor._

“Yeah. I guess. But I’ve been hallucinating lately, I think,” said Even.

“Hallucinating?”

“Yeah, there’s this boy. Like I always dream of him. I mean not always, but the dreams started like a few weeks ago. And now all of a sudden I see him randomly during the day. Like he just comes up to me like he knows me, but like he’s not even real. I don’t know,” Even then paused, “Uh, I know I say ‘Like’ a lot. It’s a thing when I speak English. Oh. Wait, why are we speaking English?”

“Because I don’t speak Norwegian?” said the Doctor.

“Right!”

_Even, you’re so stupid._

“So this boy you see in your dreams has now started appearing in your daily life, but you don’t think he’s real,” said the Doctor.

“I know he’s not real,” said Even.

“How do you know?”

“What do you mean how? I just know. It’s too weird. He calls me ‘baby’ and tells me he loves me but I’ve never seen him before. I think he thinks I’m his boyfriend and we live together. And not to mention that the first time I saw him was in a dream.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you know him but you can’t remember,” said the Doctor.

“What the fuck? I’m not brain dead. I’m telling you right now that I’m hallucinating. I’m not forgetting anything. I’ve never seen this guy in my life!” Even all but shouted.

“Okay, okay. Calm down, Even.”

“Sorry. I’m sorry I yelled,” said Even.

He meant it. He didn’t like yelling.

“So what does he look like?” said the Doctor.

“He’s beautiful. He has blonde hair and green eyes and a cupid’s bow. He also has dimples when he smiles. It’s very cute,” said Even, before realizing he was being embarrassing.

“Hmm. I see,” said the Doctor.

“What?”

“How do you explain being able to describe him if you’ve only seen him in your dreams?”

“What do you mean?”

“Dreams are your subconscious doing some work while you sleep. You can’t imagine new faces. Every face you see in a dream, you’ve actually seen before,” said the Doctor.

“Uh. I know that. I mean I knew that,” said Even.

“Then this boy probably exists and your subconscious is trying to tell you something.”

“Listen, I would know if I had seen him before,” said Even.

“Have you suffered memory loss lately, maybe?”

“No, what?”

“I mean you-, oh,” the Doctor paused and looked at the clocked. “I’m afraid our hour is up, Even.”

.

Even roamed the city with a cigarette pressed between his lips. He was confused all the time. The boy kept appearing in his dreams and randomly during the day.

The dreams were his favorite because they were always in different places and at different points in time, and Even didn’t even have control over anything. He just seemed to go with the flow. They always left him with the warmest feeling in the pit of his stomach.

The hallucinations were another story. He would be sitting at a bar with his friends, and the boy would pop out of nowhere behind him and whisper “ _baby, I want to blow you in the bathroom_ ” into his ear. He would then disappear into thin air, leaving him with an embarrassing bulge in his pants.

_Shit. Fuck. I have a good life, a great fucking life, why is this happening to me?_

.

“When was the last time you had sexual intercourse with a person of your gender?” said the Doctor.

“What?” Even was confused.

“Maybe that’s what this is. Maybe your brain is telling you to go get a boyfriend.”

“That makes no sense,” said Even.

“It won’t hurt to try,” said the Doctor, before smiling to himself. “Well, unless you bottom, haha.”

_What the fuck is this guy? And how does he know I'm Norwegian anyways?_

.

Even was wearing a white t-shirt and plain jeans. He went to the bar with a clear purpose.

_Tonight, I’m going to fuck a boy._

.

He ended up taking a girl home.

_You had one fucking job, Even!_

She was moaning in his bed, and Even was concentrating really hard on not thinking about how messed up everything was.

He closed his eyes for a moment and squeezed her narrow hips before pushing again.

“Fuck, baby!” a distinctly male voice moaned under him.

_What the fuck._

Even’s eyes shot up in panic. It was him, the boy. It was him again. He was in Even’s bed, his legs wrapped around his waist, face flushed and wrecked and filled with tears, his eyelids heavy, his lips red and sore, his hair damp and disheveled. He was a mess, a beautiful _fucking_ mess.

“Oh my god!” Even exclaimed, still very much inside him.

The boy locked his fingers around Even’s neck and pulled him down.

“Fucking kiss me. Fuck, baby. Kiss me,” he moaned.

Even felt transported to another dimension. He lost all control of his mind and body. This boy owned him. Even was all his. All his.

So he leaned in and kissed him. He kissed him deep and hard. He kissed him because it was the only thing that made sense. It was filthy and raw and intense, and the boy kissed him back even more hungrily. So he gripped his thighs and thrusted into him with all his might while leaving soft little kisses all over his body.

“Yes, fuck me,” the boy moaned, his fingers now in Even’s hair. “You feel so fucking good! So fucking good, baby!”

Even kissed him again and again and again. He had never kissed anyone that much during sex before. But this boy was insatiable. The moment Even’s lips left his face, he whimpered and whined and brought him back down.

“Need you. Even, I need you,” he mumbled.

The boy’s fingers dug so hard and deep into his back, Even was absolutely certain that whatever was happening was as real as it could get.

It hurt. It was going to leave bruises. He was certain.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he whispered against the boy’s neck, completely letting go now.

“Even, shit!” The boy cried.

Even reached down and wiped his tears.  “Am I hurting you?” he asked.

“No, no, no. You feel so good,” he pulled him down again into a soft kiss that lasted longer than the previous ones. “I love you, Even. I love you so much.”

Even looked at him, and a sweet familiar aching started spreading around his chest.

_I don’t even know you._

Yet, Even wanted to cry. He felt it. He felt this boy’s love. He could feel it.

_Who are you?_

He felt it in his bones. He felt it in his soul. This boy loved him. And he probably loved him, too.

“I love you, too,” said Even, with tears in his eyes right before tipping over the edge, still inside him.

.

When Even woke up, the boy wasn’t there. No one was there.

_Of course._

It hurt.

Even was convinced he was crazy. He had just had the most amazing sex in his life with an imaginary boy.

_Wait._

Even suddenly remembered those Grey's Anatomy episodes he watched with his mother and decided to go check his brain for a possible tumor.

.

“There’s nothing wrong with your brain,” said the Doctor.

“So no tumor?” said Even.

“No tumor.”

“Oh okay. Cool.”

Even was relieved for a few moments before realizing that he still had no idea what was wrong with him. He was also amazed at how fast they had scanned his brain and found out that nothing was wrong with him.

.

_What about this one? Is this a dream?_

Even was sitting on the window sill at his parents’ old apartment in Oslo and he was smoking a joint. In front of him sat the boy. He was wearing a gray hoodie and a reserved snapback. The sun was still shining outside, and they were passing a joint back and forth.

The boy wasn’t all over him this time. He wasn’t teasing him. He wasn’t asking for sex or talking about taking out the trash.

He looked younger, too, much younger. He was almost swimming in his hoodie.

He was so cute.

Even knew it was a dream the moment he realized they were in Oslo.

_What year is this supposed to be?_

The boy smiled at him and coughed a few times while taking a drag of the joint. He looked small and shy, but interested, definitely interested. He followed Even with his gaze and when Even looked back, the boy blushed and looked away.

_So, we haven’t fucked in this one, yet._

They talked about the most random things, mostly music and movies. They smoked and laughed and made sandwiches with weird spices.

Even didn’t know why, but he stared at the boy and did his best to make him laugh and feel comfortable. He flirted and teased. It was almost as if it wasn’t really him.

It probably wasn’t him. Even felt like a spectator. He could see himself and this boy talking in the kitchen and drinking beer and orbiting around each other, but he had no control over what he was doing.

They were on the floor now, and the boy was rapping and being the cutest thing in the world.

_Wow. Wow. Just wow._

Someone rang the doorbell in the dream, and before he could find out who it was Even woke up in the current time, sad, lonely, and even more confused.

_So we’re going back in time now, huh. Interesting._

.

Even went to work and busied himself during the day. He went out with his friends at night and talked about politics and TV shows. He smiled and drank and cracked jokes.

It was nice. It was nice, but it was empty.

Even decided to get drunk. He never got drunk, but he decided that it was probably a good night to do that. So he downed shots and glasses until he forgot about the impending bomb inside his brain.

“So do you have a girlfriend?” said a girl whose facial features he couldn’t even make out.

“No!” he replied.

“Oh cool. Wanna go back to my place?” she said.

“No. No,” he stood up and placed a hand on his heart. “I have a boyfriend. I have the cutest boyfriend in the world!”

“What?”

“I have a boyfriend and he loves me. I have to go,” said Even, hiccuping and struggling to find his things.

“A boyfriend? You mean the imaginary boy?” she said.

“What?”

By the time Even had turned around, the girl wasn’t there anymore.

“Whatever, fuck you!”

.

“I miss him,” said Even. “I don’t see him in my dreams anymore. I don’t know I miss him. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“Uhm. You got attached to an imaginary person, interesting,” said the Doctor.

“I’m losing my goddamn mind here!” Even shouted.

“Breathe, Even. Breathe. Tell me what happened the last time you saw him.”

Even ran a hand through his hair and leaned into his chair.

“Uh, I think we were at my parents’ place and we were like younger I think. We were flirting and smoking. But I don’t think we were together. It felt like it was our first time hanging out. I don’t know,” said Even.

“Okay, and what happened?”

“I don’t know. Someone rang the bell and I woke up.”

“He’s probably sad right now,” said the Doctor.

“What?” said Even.

“Nothing.”

“Why are you so weird? Are all doctors this weird?” said Even.

“How am I weird?” said the Doctor.

“I don’t know. Are you even a real doctor? Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a wall or worse, to myself,” said Even.

“Interesting,” said the Doctor, opening his notebook and scribbling something.

“What the fuck are you even writing in there? You’re not even helping me!” Even shouted.

“Even, can you describe my face?”

“What?”

The door opened suddenly. It was the boy.

Even stood up so fast that he knocked off his chair.

“What the hell?! Do you see him?! Are you seeing this?!” Even screamed.

But the Doctor was no longer there.

The boy ran towards him instead and wrapped him in a hug so tight, it knocked the air out of his lungs.

“I missed you. I missed you,” the boy breathed into his neck.

“What the hell is going on?!”

_I missed you, too._

.

Even woke up in his bed again.

_Fuck. A dream? Again?_

.

Even couldn’t eat, couldn’t think, couldn’t function. This boy was like a virus. He had somehow inhaled him and he was flowing in his veins, intoxicating him.

Even was convinced he was crazy. He couldn’t discern dreams from reality anymore.

_The descent to madness. Here it is._

.

_Another dream. Nice._

They were on a bed he had never seen before. It was a mattress propped on the floor, and the duvet was kind of blue.

Even was wearing a Jesus t-shirt and a blue zip-up hoodie and the boy was wearing a gray one.

They were kissing. They were young again, and they were kissing.

It was nice, so nice.

The boy was soft and pliant and kept rubbing his nose against Even’s and blushing and gasping whenever Even kissed him too deep.

He felt butterflies in the pit of his stomach. It all felt too real yet too out of reach.

They smoked and kissed and talked.

“I think life is like a movie and we’re the directors of our own lives,” said Even.

“I don’t agree. It's kind of silly but I believe in the parallel universe theory,” said the boy.

.

Even felt terrible. This boy definitely had an Even somewhere in the universe. It just wasn’t him. Nothing made sense, so he clung as hard as he could to the idea that he was somehow peering into another Even’s life through his dreams.

_Don’t be fucking ridiculous. That’s absurd._

.

Even was tired and exhausted, and he decided that he would confront the boy the next time he saw him, whether in a dream or in a hallucination.

.

Even was reading the newspaper at the train station when he saw the boy. He immediately stood up, knocking into the people sitting next to him.

The boy looked lost in the middle of the crowd. He seemed to be looking for someone. He looked anxious and disheveled.

Even let go of his belongings and ran across the crowd to get to him. He walked down some stairs he hadn’t noticed before. And the more he walked, the further the boy seemed to get.

Even didn’t know what to do.

_If only I knew your name. I just want to know your fucking name._

Even was frustrated and angry and mad, and he wanted nothing more than to disappear or to wake up if it was yet another dream. He wanted to give up. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He just had no clue.

“Even! Even! Can you hear me?!” The boy suddenly yelled his name in the crowd, making Even’s eyes go wide.

“I’m here! I’m here! I’m by the Starbucks! I’m here!” he replied.

He could finally see the boy. And, Oh, what a sight.

The boy was crying. He was sobbing.

_Why are you crying? Don’t cry._

Even watched him run towards him in slow motion. He knew they were going to crash. He knew he would probably jump into his arms. They had done it a million times before. So he opened his arms wide and big.

_Come to me._

He had practiced his speech in his head. He knew what he was going to say. He just knew.

_Who are you? What’s your name? Why do I feel like I’ve known you all my life? Am I crazy? What’s your name? Are you a tumor? Am I dying? Am I dead? What’s your name?_

The boy was almost there. He was going to hug him.

The boy grabbed his face instead and kissed him breathless. Even barely had any time to respond. So he grabbed his waist and kissed him back with just as much passion.

_Shit. What the fuck is this?_

The boy’s hands were on both sides of his head and he was pressing so hard. He was crying. He couldn’t stop crying.

Even couldn’t handle it. It broke his heart. His questions could wait. He would give anything to make his hysterical crying stop.

“Why are you crying?” he asked once he put the boy down, still holding onto his waist while he held onto Even’s face.

“Even!” the boy all but shouted. “WAKE UP! Fucking, wake up! Come back to me! Please! You can’t fucking leave me all alone here! Wake up! Baby, please wake up! I’m begging you!”

Even stopped breathing and just stared at him with wide eyes and with a broken heart.

_What the fuck? What the fuck? What is this? What?_

Then it all came back to him. The train, and the crash, and the love, and the epic cosmic crap, and the parallel universes, and the cardamom, and the bipolar, and the hotel, and the episode, and the fear, and the love, oh the love. The sweet, sweet, crazy stupid love.

Even was crying and the boy was crying.

He was wiping Even’s tears now. And nothing made sense but everything did all the same.

Nothing was real except for this boy. Nothing.

“Fuck,” Even choked. **“Isak?”**

“Baby,” the boy sobbed.

“ **Isak?** **ISAK?** What the fuck?” Even was hysterical.

"Even," Isak kissed him again. "Baby, you have to wake up now, please, please, please, baby. We're all waiting for you to wake up."

.

Even Bech Næsheim - Medically Induced Coma


	2. Just Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not My Isak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily guysss <3 the feedback to the first chapter was cRAZY oh my god. I hope you like this <3

_Isak? Isak?_

Even woke up in his own bed, shirtless, disoriented, and with incredible pain in his throat. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to simply breathe.

It took him a moment to remember who he was and to absorb his surroundings.

_Fuck.. Isak._

Isak. Isak was the boy’s name. He was certain of it. The boy never told him, but Even knew that it was his name. Isak. Isak who begged him to wake up. Isak who begged him to come back to him.

_Come back where? Where are you?_

Even had remembered so many things, but they were all slipping away from his mind. And by the time he could fully open his eyes, all he could remember was the boy’s name: Isak.

Even sat up on the bed and held his head in his hands. He was beyond exhausted and his throat hurt too much. He felt like it was burning, like something had been shoved down there. He had a headache and could barely move his limbs.

Even had never experienced such fatigue. It made no sense for him to be so exhausted from simply dreaming.

_“Come back to me.”_

Even threw the covers off himself and headed to the kitchen.

_It was just another stupid dream. Get your shit together._

He made himself eggs, turned on the TV, smoked a cigarette, or two, or three, and laughed at the Friends re-runs on TV.

He laughed for a while, sprawled on his couch with one foot propped up. He ate and laughed and smoked until he cried. He cried so hard and for so long that he couldn’t breathe and couldn’t see and couldn’t function.

_What the fuck is my problem?! Why am I so fucking lost?! Who the fuck is Isak?_

Even was hysterical and curled into himself like a child. He held his knees in his arms and sobbed until he felt numb and empty and hollow.

Even never cried. It just wasn’t something that he did.

_Fuck. Can these dreams just fucking stop._

.

They did.

The dreams stopped, and for some reason Even felt even emptier.

.

_"Come back to me, Even. Please. I miss you so much I can't breathe. I can't function. I don't know what to do. Don't fucking leave me all alone over here. I'm so lost without you."_

 .

“So what brings you in today, Even?” said his new psychiatrist.

She was nice. She was nice and young and composed and much more professional than the previous one.

“My previous shrink was kind of crazy,” said Even. “Can I call you by your first name? I hate referring to you in my head as ‘Doctor’”.

“Sure, you can call me Sonja,” she said.

“Sonja,” said Even. “Cool. I like that.”

“So why do you think your previous Doctor was crazy?”

“Uhm, I don’t know. He was just rude and intrusive and very weird. He wouldn’t tell me what was going on or what he thought. He just asked me questions and made me even more confused about everything,” said Even.

“I see,” said Sonja. “So if I understand correctly, you’re seeing a boy in your dreams and the dreams stopped.”

“Yeah, I mean. I actually wanted them to. But now that they did, I feel weird and empty, and -. Wait. How do you know that? I haven’t told you anything yet,” said Even.

“It’s in your file. Your previous doctor’s office transferred your file,” said Sonja.

“Oh, right!” said Even, slapping his forehead. “Okay, so the last dream seemed too real and it kind of broke me, I don’t know.”

“What happened?” said Sonja, pulling at her hair right behind her ear.

_Don’t do that._

_Wait. Why do I care._

“Uh. He ran to me and kissed me and told me to wake up. He told me to wake up and to come to him. He was crying and he was hysterical. For a moment I really believed I was dreaming and he was trying to bring me back to reality,” said Even.

“Interesting. So, do you think you have feelings for this boy in your dreams?”

Even was a bit startled by her question.

“Uh, I don’t know. I. I mean I don’t know him at all, but when I’m in the dreams it feels like he’s the only fucking thing that matters. It’s insane. But when I’m dreaming, I can feel how much he loves me, and how much I love him, and I just want to give him the entire universe. I really wanted to wake up or whatever just so that he would stop crying. It just killed me. I always wake up crying, which is fucking ridiculous because I never cry,” said Even.

“You do though,” said Sonja.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she said, shifting in her seat. “I think your subconscious was trying to tell you something, but you weren’t really listening. I also think that it’s a good thing you stopped having these dreams. At least now you know that your feelings for this mystical boy aren’t real and that they’re only the byproduct of your imagination.”

Even felt offended and he didn’t even know why.

“You don’t know that. Why are you saying that?” he asked.

“Saying what?”

“That my feelings aren’t real,” said Even.

“Are they though? Aren’t they just in your head? You said yourself that you were only ever sure when you were in the dreams and not your usual self.”

_Why does it feel like we’ve had this conversation before?_

Even held onto his head and sighed.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I’m having a deja-vu moment.”

When Even lifted his gaze, Sonja was smiling.

.

_“Hey baby. How are you feeling? Some people brought you flowers today. Fucking flowers. Can you believe it? I almost threw them away but then I remembered you’re so damn cheesy, you’d probably love them. And who am I to throw away gifts meant for you, really? Anyways, I’m leaving these by your bed. I’m leaving to do some shit but I’ll be back tonight. And yes I’m spending the night, and yes I’ll sleep on top of you, and yes I’ll drool all over you, and yes these hospital beds are tiny but I don’t give a shit. I’ll be back. Love you.”_

.

Even woke up from yet another dreamless night of sleep, showered, and went to work. It was a rainy and gloomy. He felt trapped.

He put on his headphones and listened to random songs.

5 Fine Frøkner was playing and Even felt pain spreading around his chest. It felt as if his heart was clenching.

_What the hell. It’s just a shitty pop song._

His heart was beating way too fast, and he felt sad, incredibly sad.

.

That night he dreamed of Isak again.

They were in a kitchen, and he was making him breakfast.

They were young and ridiculous and Isak’s hair looked so fluffy.

The dream was great until Isak started talking about Sonja.

_What._

“Fuck Sonja. We’re not together anymore,” said Even.

Isak looked unsure and insecure and worried.

“I’ve never felt like this before,” said Even.

It was true. It felt like they were in the beginning of something new and big and scary.

_So is this how we started?_

“Me neither,” said Isak.

When 5 Fine Frøkner started playing on the radio, Even felt like screaming.

_Hilarious! Very funny, brain. Ha! Ha! Fuck you._

They kissed for what felt like an eternity. Even knew he was dreaming so he savored it. He savored every little second. He reveled in the incredible warm feeling in the pit of his stomach, in the happiness spreading around his chest.

Isak was everything at that moment, everything. He was grumpy and lovely and wonderful. He demanded more kisses and arched his back and threaded his fingers in Even’s hair and caressed his neck and kissed him with so much want and need and pure adoration that it had Even on his knees.

_I don’t know who you are but I love you with every fiber of my being._

.

“I had another dream. I guess the dreams are still happening but the hallucinations stopped,” said Even.

“Oh, I see,” said Sonja. “You look happy by the way.”

“Do I? It’s weird. I don’t know. I guess I like the dreams. I kind of missed him. It was nice.”

“Nice.”

“Oh, and wow the weirdest thing! Apparently, in my dream I was dating you or something.”

“Me?” said Sonja.

“Yeah, Isak was wondering if I was still with ‘Sonja’. Funny how my brain works, don’t you think?” said Even.

“Well, how do you know it’s me. Sonja is a pretty common name in Norway,” she said.

“Oh yeah, right. Shit. I’m kind of lost. I didn’t even realize we were speaking Norwegian,” said Even.

“It’s a plus compared your previous Doctor, right?” she said, smiling.

“Yeah,” Even smiled, too. “I really think Isak and I were talking about you, though.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Apparently, stuff you see in your dreams are people and names you already know. You’re the only Sonja I know,” said Even.  

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Yes, but I know it was you. I feel like I already know you,” said Even.

Sonja leaned into her chair and offered him a smile.

“I feel like you already know me, too,” she said.

.

_“Come back to me. Even, please. Please, come back to me. That day on the train, fuck. I felt like the world was ending. I still can’t believe you did that. I can’t believe it. But it’s okay. I forgive you. I do. I know I yelled at you before, but if that’s why you’re not waking up then please fucking forgive ME. I just want you back. Please.”_

_._

“Even, I think you should go on a vacation. Just fly somewhere and free your mind or something,” said Sonja.

.

Even made his flight against all odds. He had gotten stuck in traffic on his way to the airport, and almost given up on running to his gate, too certain it was too late.

It wasn’t.

Even offered the flight attendant a wide smile and made his way to Row 21, Seat A. He felt incredibly lucky for finding a window seat on an apparently incredibly busy flight. He had spent hours online trying to find a last minute flight with a window seat still available.

Even traversed the plane with anticipation. _Yes, a long flight. Yes._

But when he got to his seat, someone was already occupying it.

A boy. The boy.

Isak. Isak was sleeping in his seat. Seat 21A.

_What the fuck? What?! Oh my god. Am I hallucinating again. Fuck. In a fucking plane? Shit. Dammit._

Isak was dressed in black trousers and a gray button up shirt. His hair was fluffy and shiny and it looked soft, so soft. Even felt like crying because he missed him so much. So so much.

Even wanted to wake him, but Isak was sleeping so peacefully that he couldn’t bring himself to do that. So he put he took off his jacket and sat down next to him. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

Even figured that if Isak was a hallucination, someone would come and claim his seat soon. So he just indulged and stared at him for an eternity.

He couldn’t help it. He brought a hand up and cupped his cheek while the flight attendant was talking about safety measures.

_Fuck that shit. If something goes wrong with this damn plane, we’re all dying anyways._

Isak was sleeping and his cheeks were pink, and his lips ever so slightly parted. He looked adorable.

Even couldn’t help but think back to when he had Isak’s legs spread around him, panting and crying and begging for more. It had felt so real that he got aroused simply thinking about it.

_“Yes, Even. Yes, fuck, baby!”_

The memory was too vivid, and Even felt like a complete creep touching this boy who was visibly sleeping and who probably wasn’t even real.

He let go of his cheek in a swift movement, and his heart nearly jumped out of his chest when Isak gasped. He _gasped._

The boy reached out, grabbed Even’s hand, and brought it back to his cheek. He then leaned back into it in his sleep.

Even couldn’t do anything but watch. He watched with awe and could feel himself getting flustered at their two hands touching.

_Why am I being so weird._

The boy opened his eyes very slowly. Even watched it unfold in slow-motion.

_Hi love. I missed your eyes._

But Isak’s eyes got way too wide, and he quickly shoved Even’s hand away.

“Oh my god!” he exclaimed, his cheeks pink, looking completely mortified. “Shit! I’m sorry.”

Even looked at him and waited for Isak to kiss him.

“Hi,” said Even, beaming. “How are you?”

Isak looked confused.

“Uh, I’m fine. Thank you?” He looked away and started fiddling with his seatbelt, visibly nervous and flustered.

_Why is he nervous?_

But Isak had strapped himself in and wasn’t even looking at him anymore.

“Isak?” said Even.

The boy’s head turned around, too quickly.

“What?! How do you know my name?” he said, his eyes wide again.

“Wait. Don’t you recognize me?” said Even.

“Uh, am I supposed to?”

Even’s face fell. _What._

Isak probably noticed because he quickly spoke again.

“Uh, I’m sure I’d remember someone who looks like you,” he said, blushing.

_Cute._

“Like me?”

“Uh yeah, I mean. Uh-”

The flight attendant interrupted them to ask Even to put on his seatbelt.

“You were saying?” said Even.

“Uh what?” Isak jumped in his seat again. He was so jumpy and adorable and cute, as if he couldn’t believe Even was speaking to him.

“You said you’d probably remember someone who looks like me. Is it my receding hairline?” Even joked.

Isak laughed. He laughed for the longest time. It was beautiful.

“Oh my god! Your hairline is fine!” said Isak. “I’m sorry I don’t recognize you. I’m shit with names, but I’m sure I’ve never seen you before.”

“Well, you’re right. My name is Even. And I saw your name on your boarding pass by the way,” said Even.

_Creepy and false._

Boarding passes didn’t typically have first names.

“Oh, Oh!” said Isak. “Oh, yeah. Of course. Nice to meet you, Even.”

He was flustered and Even really wanted to kiss him.

“What are you looking at?” said Isak.

“You. I’m looking at you,” said Even, watching him writhe in his seat.

“Wow. You’re super straight forward. I’m sorry I’m not used to being hit on in airplanes.”

“Hit on?” Even scoffed.

“You’re clearly flirting with me and I’m not good at coming up with funny and interesting things to say. I’m sorry.”

“What?” Even was definitely amused.

“Wait. You are flirting with me, right?”

“Yes,” said Even.

“Oh my god.”

Even laughed. He loved it. He almost forgot that it probably wasn’t real.

.

Nobody claimed the seat, and Even and Isak flew together. They talked about everything and nothing. Even made him laugh and Isak smiled quietly the entire time. He was shy and quiet, and so unlike the Isak in his dreams.

He wasn’t feisty and he never rolled his eyes and never said anything rude. Not even once.

When the flight attendant offered them drinks and snacks, he looked at her kindly and said ‘thank you’, smiling the entire time.

When the kid behind them started crying, Isak turned around in his seat and got up on his knees. He then made faces at the kid until he stopped crying and started giggling.

Even thought it was adorable. But something bothered him about it.

_Isak would just roll his eyes and curse the at the sky for putting him next to a loud child._

_Wait. How._

.

“So why are you traveling?” said Isak.

“I’m trying to get away. I’m having like a lot of trouble in my personal life lately. So I want to clear my mind, I guess,” said Even.

“Oh. I see.”

“What about you?” said Even.

“Uh, kind of similar thing, but I’m not trying to get away. I’m on vacation so to speak,” said Isak.

“Care to elaborate?”

“Uh, well, my mother is mentally ill. So I take care of her most of the time. She’s such an amazing person, and I love her with all my heart. It’s almost like a full time job, but I don’t want her to be alone or to be put in a facility you know. She’s my mom. Of course I’ll take care of her. And mental illnesses should be regarded like physical illnesses, you know? It’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t define who she is. And my parents are separated, so my father isn’t always around. But I understand him. He couldn’t stick around and that’s okay I guess. He still loves us a lot. So he surprised me with plane tickets for this trip for my birthday. This is my ‘me’ time, and he’s taking care of my mother until I go back,” said Isak. “I’m totally oversharing. I’m sorry I’m weird.”

Even kept looking at him. _Wow._

“You’re not weird at all. Wow. You’re so mature and compassionate, but you look so young,” said Even.

“Who said maturity and age are linked?”

“Right.”

.

When Isak fell asleep on his shoulder, Even took his hand and laced their fingers together.

_I think the universe is telling me to hold onto you._

.

_“Even, please wake up, please? They’re saying that it’s all up to you at this point. Your vitals are strong. You’re in good shape. You scared the fuck out of us yesterday, but you made it. Everything looks good. You just have to wake up, baby. Whenever you’re ready.”_

.

When Even woke up, Isak was still by his side and their fingers were still intertwined.

_I guess you're real after all._

But for some reason, it all felt wrong.

When their flight landed, Even waited with Isak for his luggage to come up the carousel.

“You can go. You don’t have to wait for me,” said Isak.

“I want to,” said Even, smiling.

“Right, cause you’re flirting with me.”

“Yes, that! And now that I’ve found you, I’m never letting you go,” said Even.

“What?” Isak’s face flushed again.

_So cute._

Even walked towards him and stopped when they were mere breaths away from each other.

“Wanna grab coffee with me after this?”

.

Even and Isak grabbed coffee together, and Even died a little bit inside whenever Isak smiled or batted his eyelashes or did anything at all. _So so cute._

“So where are you staying?” said Even.

“I got an airbnb. What about you?”

“Me too.”

.

“I know this is very weird. But I think you’re my soulmate or something so I’m giving you my phone number,” said Even, scribbling numbers on a paper towel. “Don’t worry about giving me yours, I got it from your luggage tag when you went to the bathroom.”

Isak smiled.

“That’s by far the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me,” said Isak.

_Romantic?_

“Romantic? I thought you would roll your eyes and call me cheesy,” said Even.

“I think it’s romantic,” said Isak.

_That’s not true. You hate this. You love it but you hate it._

.

Even made it to his airbnb, showered, changed his clothes and went out to explore the city.

Around 3 in the afternoon, he got a text from Isak asking if he wanted to hang out that night.

_Uh, YES!_

.

“What do you want?” said Even, his voice low and raspy, eyes dark with want and lust.

“I want you to fuck me,” Isak mumbled. “I want you to fuck me hard, please.”

“What?!” Even was startled by how raw and explicit Isak’s voice and request were.

Isak had been so shy and quiet that Even never expected him to be this forward.

They might have been in a stranger’s bedroom in a strange city, but it wasn’t Even’s intention to have sex with Isak the night they finally met.

“I don’t know. I mean. We literally just met. I don’t want to like. Uh,” Even was rambling.

“But I want you. I want you so bad,” Isak whined. He was in his boxers, legs spread on the bed.

“I want you, too. But, can we talk? I can, uh, I can suck you off if you want,” said Even.

Isak got up and pulled him down into the bed with him. Even sank on top of him, and Isak reached out, grabbed his neck, and whispered into his ear.

“What I want is for you to fuck me.”

“Fuck, baby. I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Isak reached down and shoved his hand down Even’s boxers. “Look at you, so hard for me.”

“I, shit.”

.

Even was thrusting into Isak and holding on for dear life. This boy was perfect. He was caring and compassionate and wonderful and demanding and filthy in bed. He was perfect. He was a pipedream.

But even though they went at it for what seemed like hours, it paled in comparison to what they had shared when Isak had suddenly popped out of nowhere in Even’s bed a few months prior.

Even wasn’t complaining. He was enjoying it. He was. But he didn’t feel butterflies in his stomach. He didn’t feel like the earth had stopped spinning. He didn’t feel like he could get lost in this boy and never ever come up for air. He didn’t feel like crying because he couldn’t handle how much he loved this boy.

He wanted to. He wanted to feel it, but he couldn’t.

.

_“I will wait forever if that’s what it takes. I will wait forever, Even. If you hear me at all, if what these fucking useless doctors are saying is true and you can hear me, please know that I miss you and I love you and I will wait for you. When you wake up I’ll be right here. I’ll be right here, baby. I love you. Just do your best. You’re so strong.”_

.

Even woke up on a train, the same train where he had met Isak the very first time. He was lost for a moment before realizing it was a dream.

_What, we’re having reruns now?_

Isak popped out of nowhere and sat next to him.

“Damn, it felt fucking amazing to take a piss after hours!” said Isak.

_Oh, so we’re picking up right where we left off?_

“This woman was knocking at the door. Like what the hell did she want? I was taking a piss and I had literally just gone in. What the hell? Does she expect me to be done in 20 seconds? So fucking annoying,” said Isak. “And it turns out she has a freaking kid who wouldn’t stop crying. Wow, why are people allowed to bring in kids in public transportation? There should be a law against it.”

Even watched him. He watched him with so much fondness.

_There you are. It’s you. It’s you._

“What are you looking at?” said Isak.

“You. I’m looking at you.”

Isak blushed.

“You’re so fucking cheesy,” he said, rolling his eyes.

_Ah!_

Even’s heart started filling up.

_There you are._

“But you love me?” said Even.

Isak looked at him with a mean expression before softening up. He scooted closer then brought his hands to Even’s neck.

“Of course, I love you,” Isak whispered. “Half the time I wonder why, but yeah, I guess I do. Something must be wrong with me.”

Even shoved him playfully.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” said Even.

“No, you’re lucky you’re cute!”

They kissed and Even felt the _damn_ butterflies in his stomach again. He felt everything. He felt it all. It started as a soft kiss but ended up as a mess. A beautiful sweet mess. All lips and tongue and little whimpery sounds.

“I missed you. I missed you so much,” said Even, panting and pressing their foreheads together.

“I’m right here.”

“How do I come back to you? How? Tell me. Please, tell me!”  

“Even? Are you okay?” said Isak.

“Please, baby. Please tell me, I’m losing my fucking mind over here. Please!”

“Even. Even? Even!? What the fuck?! Even, watch out!! Behind you-!”

.

Even woke up drenched in sweat in the stranger’s bed, in the strange city, with pipedream Isak sleeping beside him.

_Fuck._

He walked over to the window and weeped silently.

_Just fuck. How am I still dreaming of you when you’re right here._

.

Pipedream Isak became his boyfriend and things were going really well. Isak was wonderful. He was so nice and caring. He was amazing and always so great and so cute. Things were going great. Except that they weren’t.

They weren’t because Even was somehow in love with another version of Isak. The version than haunted his dreams, the not so sweet and caring version. The Isak who swore a lot and was mean to most people but him. The Isak who wore oversized clothes, and snapbacks, and Nike apparel, and listened to rap, and rolled his eyes at Gabrielle’s music. The Isak who was very insensitive at times and who could say the harshest things without ever meaning to. The Isak who wasn’t his mother’s biggest fan and who wasn’t there for her when she needed him. The Isak who complained about everything but was so real and so raw and so human and so precious. The Isak who moaned in bed, but never too loud because he was so shy and so so soft. The Isak who once told him that he didn’t need mentally ill people in his life and that he was better off. The Isak who was selfish at times, but the most generous in the universe when it came to Even. The Isak who shut him off for days and then ran across the city to tell him that he wasn’t alone. The Isak who loved him more than he had ever been loved before, and who held him tight, so tight that he felt like all his broken pieces had finally glued themselves back together. He was in love with that Isak and that Isak alone.

_Wait. How do I know this._

“Baby, take a picture of me in front of this building,” said Isak.

_A picture? What the fuck are you?_

“I have to go,” said Even.

“What? Where?”

“I have to go back to him,” said Even.

“What are you talking about?”

“I have to go. Isak is waiting for me,” said Even.

“Even, I’m right here!”

“No, you’re not.”

“What?”

Even walked over to pipedream Isak, grabbed his face, and kissed him. He kissed him with everything that he had.

He felt nothing.

“You’re not him. You’re not Isak. You’re not **MY** Isak!”

_Took you long enough._

.

Even was running and nothing made sense, really. He didn’t know where to go. He didn’t know where to find him. He didn’t know how to find him. He just knew that he had to.

_“It’s all up to you._

_You’re looking strong._

_The train._

_What you did on the train.”_

Even ran to the nearest train station and hopped on the first train.

_What did I do? Isak, what did I do?_

Even ran and ran and ran. He walked through the train cars like a hysterical person. But nothing made sense, really. He still had no idea what he was looking for.

_Isak! Help me! I don’t know what I’m looking for! What did I do?_

_“Even! Even can you hear me?”_

_Isak?_

_“Even! Even. Wake up!”_

_How? Tell me how. Please._

_“Just let go. Let go, baby. Let go and come back to me.”_

Even felt a current go through him.

_Everything is fake._

Even had built an entire world around the possibility of existing in a universe in which he was healthy and successful and content with life. It was all fake. Every single thing about this world was fake. Even was hurt in reality. He was hurt and stuck in a hospital bed. Of course.

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh my god Isak. Oh my god. How are you holding up baby?_

His body suddenly started hurting. Everything hurt too much and he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to let go but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how.

_How does one let go? How?_

_“Even, I’m right here.”_

Even could feel pressure against his fingers. Someone was holding his hand. No. Isak was holding his hand. He couldn’t see it but he could feel it.

Even stopped walking and closed his eyes. He was no longer on a train. He was somewhere else, outside, somewhere. The wind was blowing and the sun was shining. Even knew. He just knew.

_I’m going home._

Even kept his eyes shut, opened his arms wide and big, and completely let go.

.

“Welcome back, kid,” said some sort of Doctor.

The first thing Even saw when he opened his eyes was a blonde mop of curls right below his chin, as a human body seemed to be sobbing onto his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYSSSS. I'm sorry about this. fjdkjdfkfd  
> Once again it's 2AM. But I couldn't sleep before finishing <3 And it's been 3 days since I last update i'm sorry :( I just like tow rite in one sitting and couldn't find a good 2-3 hours.  
> I hope you like it.  
> I was so nervous posting the first chapter but you guys blew my MIND with your feedback. You have no idea how it feels to wake up to so many comments and messages. ily all so much.  
> I want to explain what's going on here. But I'm guessing you guys understood.  
> Oh man. I didn't really want to go into pipedream!isak and notbipolar!even but it didnt make sense to write one without the other.  
> WHY do you think Even imagined Sonja as his psychiatrist?  
> I will update these notes tomorrow because I'm currently dying  
> SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS and THEORIES below. Your comments make my dayyysss.
> 
> \--  
> Also leave me prompts for future verses haha <333 love you guys


	3. Remember me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this <3 *hides*

Even woke up in the middle of the night in the hospital bed. He tried rubbing his eyes but his arms were too weak.

He felt pain all over his body. Everything hurt and his head was properly bandaged. He was trying to sit up when he heard him on the phone with someone.

“Hey Sonja. It’s me, Isak. Uh, just wanted to let you know that Even woke up… Yeah, yeah, he’s looking fine. It worked, I guess. The doctors said he’s doing really great and there doesn’t seem to be any cognitive issues. He can talk and reason, and most of what he says makes sense… Yeah, yeah… They’re keeping him for observation or whatever, but he should be out of the hospital in a few days, I hope. Yeah.. Uh.. Can you come tomorrow morning instead? I mean if you can get out of work and stuff. No rush. Yeah, uhh. He’s asking for you,” he chuckled. “Yeah, I’m serious, he asked for you Sonja, haha. It would be cool if you could come see him… Thanks, I appreciate it… Uh, yeah I’m fine. Don’t worry. They’re saying his recovery is miraculous and stuff. I’m just glad he’s awake now, you know… uh. Yeah. There’s just one thing I guess… It’s funny but... He can’t remember me.”

.

When Even first woke up, the lights were too bright, his throat was burning, and he felt like his head was about to split in half. Everything hurt and he couldn’t remember who he was for a good while.

There was a boy crying on his chest. He later learned that that boy’s name was Isak, and that Isak was so relieved that he was finally awake that he cried.

Even couldn’t remember who Isak was. But he knew that he was someone important because he was hugging him and he just couldn’t stop crying, not even when Even asked him who he was.

.

“Memory loss is very common after medically induced coma. It depends from one person to another, but you should be able to have all your memories back in a few weeks or months.”

Even had no idea what the doctor was talking about. Why was he in a hospital in the first place. Nothing made sense. Who was this boy? Why was he in so much pain? Why did this boy look so hurt? Why was Even feeling so sad and so awful? Where were his parents? Where was Sonja?

.

Even’s mother cried when she saw him, and his father teared up as well. Sonja was there with flowers in the afternoon.

They all hugged and kissed Isak who had barely left the room. Isak who hadn’t spoken a word to Even after he realized that he couldn’t remember him.

“How old am I?” said Even.

“Thirty one,” said his father.

“What?! Are you serious? What?!”

His mom shoved his dad who was laughing.

“You’re twenty three, Even,” she said. “We’re in 2020.”

“Oh okay,” said Even. “I feel so weird. I feel like I’m dreaming.”

“You’re not dreaming,” said Sonja.

“How do I know for sure?”

“Even,” said his mother. “You’re not dreaming. You’re awake. I promise. You’re just feeling weird because of the drugs in your system. It takes some time to adjust, right Isak?”

Isak looked up from his chair which seemed so far away, a bit taken aback.

“Uh, what?” said Isak.

“I was telling Even about the drugs in his system and the coma stuff. You know more about this than we do,” she said.

Isak left his seat and walked towards them, not looking at Even, not even once.

“Uh, yeah. The doctors opted for medically induced coma on propofol because there was too much swelling in your brain. And your brain’s metabolism had been altered and stuff. We considered other options like keeping you up and aware to reduce post-traumatic effects, but a medically induced coma was our best shot because we had no idea what was causing the bleeding and it was just too much. By shutting down function, they gave your brain time to heal. You were in the ICU for some time and you almost coded a couple of times. But you were in a coma for less than ten days, so you won’t have too much trouble getting back up, hopefully. Or at least that’s what the doctors said,” said Isak, his voice a bit shaky. “You might experience hallucinations which is probably why you’re feeling like you’re dreaming. Temporary memory loss is also common. But you will be fine. I mean I hope.”

Even stared at him, confused about why this boy knew so much about his condition, and why he simply wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Isak is a med student,” said Sonja.

“Oh, so like you work here?” said Even.

Isak’s face fell, and Even felt like he had just punched him.

“No, Even. I don’t work here.”

.

“When did we break up?” asked Even.

“Uhm, when we were nineteen,” said Sonja. “You transferred to Nissen for your third year, remember?”

“I think so. I redid my year, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Because of the bipolar stuff at Bakka.”

“Uh, I guess you could say that,” said Sonja.

“And we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“Correct. We kind of grew apart. It’s my fault really. I did my best to avoid you after we split,” she said.

“Why? What happened? Why did we break up?” said Even.

Sonja smiled and squeezed his hand.

“You fell in love.”

.

_With who?_

.

“Hi. How are you feeling today?” said Isak, closing the hospital room door behind him.

He was smiling and energetic unlike the previous day.

“I still can’t move my arms as much as I would like to, but my throat doesn’t hurt as much,” said Even.

“Good, good. You had a tube down there for a while, so it will take some time for you to adjust. It’s best if you don’t speak too much,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

It was so awkward. Who was this boy and why was he taking care of Even and why was he so sweet and caring?

“I went home and got you a change of clothes although I don’t think they’re letting you out anytime soon. But I figured you’d want your own socks and stuff. I also got you a book but then I realized it was stupid because it hurts you to move your arm. I brought your iPad and you can watch a tv show or something. What do you think?” said Isak, rummaging through his backpack.

“Isak.”

“Hm?” Isak finally looked up.

He was still smiling but it all felt fake. It felt like he had trouble breathing, like it was all an act and he was about to break any minute.

“Are you my roommate?” said Even.

Isak looked at him for a few moments before looking away.

“I guess you could say that,” he said with a smile. A smile that felt like a sob instead.

Isak moved towards the bed and checked Even’s face. He flinched at first when his fingers touched his skin, but instinctively leaned into them a moment later.

“The scars around your mouth look better, too,” said Isak.

“Scars?”

“Yeah, because of the breathing tube. It’s not that bad. You won’t end up like the Joker. Don’t worry,” said Isak, chuckling.

Even couldn’t help it. He reached out and curled his right hand around Isak’s wrist, making him gasp.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry I don’t remember you.”

“It’s okay,” he said, looking everywhere but at him. “You will eventually.”

“Why don’t you just tell me?”

“You’re in a fragile state right now, both physically and mentally. If I overwhelm you with information, you might get confused and it can cause you even more headaches and pain. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember me right now. Just focus on getting better, okay?”

“Okay,” said Even.

“In the meantime, just let me know if you need anything. Yeah?”

Isak brought his hand down to his lap while Even still held onto his wrist.

“Are you really a med student?”

“Yes,” said Isak.

“How old are you?”

“I’m twenty one.”

“And I’m twenty three.”

“Yes.”

“How did we meet?” said Even.

“You transferred to Nissen-”

“In my third year.”

“In your third year,” said Isak.

_Is it him? The reason Sonja and I...?_

“And you were in your second year?”

“Yes.”

“And now we’re roommates.”

“Yes.”

“How close are we?”

“Very close.”

“How close is very?”

“As close as it gets,” said Isak.

“Do you love me?”

_What the fuck, Even._

“More than life itself.”

“That’s a lot for roommates,” said Even, smiling.

“We’re special roommates,” said Isak, smiling right back.

Suddenly, breathing became difficult, much more difficult than it already was.

Even started coughing and Isak pulled his hand away.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just having trouble breathing,” said Even.

“Let me go call a nurse.”

.

That night Even dreamed of Isak. They were on a train, and it was a really nice day outside. The sun was shining and the scenery was breathtaking.

Isak was playing some game on his phone while Even tried to look out the window.

“Can we switch seats?” said Even.

“What? Why?”

“I’d like to sit by the window. You always sit by the window.”

Isak gave him a look.

“That’s not true. I don’t _always_ sit by the window,” he said, slightly annoyed.

“Yes, you do. And you don’t even enjoy the view. You’re always on your phone,” said Even.   

“Where is this coming from?” said Isak. “Since when do you care about sitting by the window?”

“Since forever? I just never say anything because you always insist on taking the window seat.”

“Even, why are you being ridiculous right now?”

“I don’t know,” said Even, breaking into a grin. “I guess I like teasing you.”

Isak let go of his phone and smiled back.

“You know why I like window seats?” said Isak.

“Why?”

Isak cupped his face and pulled him closer.

“Because I can lean against the glass while kissing the shit out of you.”

Even woke up before they could kiss but he could almost feel Isak’s lips on his own. Almost.

.

“You cut your hair,” said Even, the moment Isak walked into the hospital room.

Isak smiled. It was almost as if Even’s remark made him happy.

“I did. Why?” said Isak.

“Uh, no reason. I guess. It’s just. You look. Uh.”

“What? I look what?”

“Different. You look different.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been neglecting my looks for weeks, so a haircut was overdue,” said Isak.

“I liked your hair before,” said Even.

Isak glared at him.

“No, I mean, don’t take it the wrong way. I like it now, too. Don’t be upset.”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Pfft. I thought you’d give me a break with the memory loss and all, but nope. Still on my back about the hair thing,” said Isak.

“What hair thing?”

“You have a breakdown every time I cut my hair. You’re a child, Even.”

Even laughed.

“Do we banter a lot?” he asked.

“You have no fucking idea.”

.

Even had the same dream that night. It was nice and warm. And they actually kissed in this one.

Even felt butterflies in the pit of his stomach. It was so nice and so warm and so perfect.

Even’s hands were on Isak’s sides, while the younger boy’s were in his hair. They tried to kiss without making sounds, but Isak kept giggling against his lips and tugging his hair.

It was so nice. So so nice.

So Even bit his lower lip and made him whimper.

“Shit, I thought we were keeping this sweet and innocent,” Isak whispered.

“Fuck, can’t wait til we get to Trondheim.”

“Yeah? Why baby? What are we gonna do there, huh?”

“We’re gonna fuck, Isak. Gonna fuck you good. I promise.”

“Are you trying to get me hard on a fucking train?” said Isak.

“Yes.”

“Do you always have to be such a dick?”

“As a matter of fact. Yes.”

They kissed some more until some object hit the window, breaking both of them apart and dragging Even back to reality.

He woke up with a heaving chest, a heavy heart, and a hard-on.

.

“Isak, were you there when I had my _accident_?” said Even.

“Yes.”

Isak was studying in his chair by Even’s bed. The nurses had brought him a small table from the waiting room. The nurses seemed to like Isak a lot.

“What happened? Was it really an accident?” said Even.

“Even, we talked about this.”

Even rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. You won’t tell me shit because it might fuck with my brain.”

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?” said Isak, smiling.

“I think I did yes. Why?” Even smirked.

“Nothing. You’re being a dick already. It’s nice. We’re making progress,” said Isak.

“A dick? Me? How dare you?” Even scoffed.

Isak laughed. He laughed for a few seconds and Even felt his chest getting fuller and fuller.

_Aw. You’re beautiful._

But then his laugh turned into something else. Something sad and heart wrenching.

Isak was tearing up.

“Fuck. Why am I like this?”

“Isak, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing. Just for a moment I felt like I had you back.”

.

There were boys in his room, three boys he couldn’t remember. Their names were Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus.

Magnus was funny and clueless, while Jonas and Mahdi were calmer and overall more sensible.

“Even. I can’t fucking believe you don’t remember Isak, bro!” said Magnus.

Jonas glared at him.

“What? Isak is not here. I can be honest, okay?” said Magnus. “I mean I get that you’d forget about us. I mean not really I’m actually hurt. But Isak? How could you? That’s messed up, bro.”

“Shut the fuck up, Mags,” said Mahdi.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember shit, guys. I’m really really sorry. And I would give everything to remember,” said Even.

“Isak specifically asked us to pretend like he’s your roommate but that’s bullshit and you know it. What kind of roommate nurses you at the hospital for weeks,” said Even.

“Jesus, Mags. What the fuck do you expect him to do?” said Jonas. “He can’t remember and being a dick about it won’t make him.”

“Fuck. You’re right. I’m sorry, man,“ said Magnus/

“It’s okay,” said Even.

It was awkward for a moment until Isak got back into the room.

“I just got you the last three seasons of Game of Thrones,” said Isak.

“What, why?” said Even.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! You don’t remember the last three years?! You can literally watch every tv show and movie all over again. Holy shit, man. I’m so jealous! Do they induce comas for no reason?” said Magnus.

“Shut the fuck up, Mags!” everyone yelled in unison.  

.

“You don’t always have to be here you know? You should go home and rest. I know your exams are coming up,” said Even.

“Yeah no.”

“Isak.”

“I’m just going to be a pain in the ass and call the nurses every two seconds, and I won’t be able to concentrate anyways. I’d rather just stay here,” said Isak.

“Why? I’m fine! Not even my mother worries this much,” said Even.

“Yeah, well your mother didn’t have to watch you almost die twice.”

Even tensed up, and he could feel Isak tense up, too.

It was unfair. So unfair.

“I’m sorry,” said Isak. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I don’t know. I’m just stressed. I’m sorry.”

Even looked at his hands and tried to lift his arms. He was getting better at it but it still hurt. It hurt a lot. His head hurt even more and one of his legs was broken.

“Isak..”

Isak removed a big pile of papers from his legs, placed it on the table, and made his way to Even’s bed.

“Yes?”

“What happened to me? It’s killing me. I just want to know.”

“Even…”

“You don’t even have to give me the specifics. I just want to know if it was my fault. Was it my fault? Was I manic? Wait, you know I’m bipolar, right?”

Isak sighed and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Yes, Even. I know. And no you weren’t manic. You’ve been keeping up with your medication for ages and only had a couple of manic episodes in 3 years.”

“Okay. Okay. So it wasn’t my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“And you were there,” said Even.

“Yes.”

“Was it on a train?”

Isak’s eyes suddenly shot up.

“Even, do you remember anything?!”

“I don’t know,” said Even. “I’ve been having this dream.”

Isak readjusted himself on the bed, reached out, and took one of Even’s hands probably instinctively, because he didn’t seem to realize the effect it had on Even.

“What was in this dream? What do you remember?” he said, looking straight into his eyes, his brows furrowing a bit.

“Uh, nothing much. We were on a train together,” said Even.

“What else?”

“Hmm. We were bickering about seats.”

“Okay. What else?”

“You kissed me,” said Even.

Isak’s cheeks colored up all of a sudden, and he let go of Even’s hand.

“Uh.”

Isak seemed out of place and started looking everywhere but at Even, once again.

“Hey,” Even reached up and grabbed one of his hands. “Hey, Isak. Look at me.”

When he did, there were tears in his eyes.

“We kiss, don’t we? You and I. We kiss, right?” said Even.

Isak squeezed his hand.

“Yes, we do.”

A tear rolled down Isak’s cheek, so Even reached up and caught it with his thumb.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting so much because of me,” he said, as sincerely as he possibly could.

“No. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much because of **_me_ ** , baby,” said Isak, reaching up and cupping Even’s face with both hands.

_I don’t know what that means._

Even held his breath. He thought he was going to kiss him.

Isak pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes instead.

Even felt warmth inside his chest. He felt warm and safe and at peace. He felt like he was right where he belonged. He couldn’t remember Isak, but he knew, he just knew, that Isak was his home.

Isak’s fingers held his neck, and for a moment he just ran his fingers through the hair at the back of his head.

“I like it when you do that,” said Even.

“I know.”

When Isak fell asleep by his bed. Even reached up and took his wrists in his hands. Isak’s fingers were full of ink from all the studying. He even had some marker smudge on his forehead.

_This boy._

Even had no idea what he was doing but he brought Isak’s hands to his lips and kissed his palms. He just pressed small kisses to the palm of his hands.

_Thank you._

.

Even got discharged after a few more days. He still had trouble forming a fist and didn’t have enough upper body strength to actually use crutches, so he was tied to a chair.

When he told Isak that he was moving to his parents’ house, the younger boy’s face fell.

“I’m sorry,” said Even.

“Oh no don’t be. I totally get it. I mean I’m technically a stranger,” said Isak.

“You’re not. I’ll never forget what you did for me these past few weeks,” said Even. “And I feel bad because you have your exams but all you do is take care of me. My mom will look after me. Don’t worry,” said Even.

“Yeah. No problem. You don’t have to feel bad.”

Isak stood there in the hospital lobby.

“I guess I should go home then,” he said. “Are your parents coming to pick you up?”

“Yeah, in like 10 minutes,” said Even.

“Okay. Uh. Call me if you, uh, remember me or something.”

.

Even looked at his phone for the longest time looking for Isak’s name in his contacts, but he couldn’t find it.

The doctors had recommended he erased messages and pictures from his phone so that it didn’t overwhelm him and alter his memories. And all he had was his list of contacts.

He almost gave up when he saw “babyyyyyyy <3<3<3<3”

* * *

**babyyyyyyy <3<3<3<3**

Hei

Oh hei! It’s been what? A day?

:p it’s you

Haha. How are you?

I’m good

I can reach my toes now

That’s actually incredible considering your height

What about my height?

Even you’re aware you’re a giraffe

A giraffe? A GIRAFFE?

I don’t make the rules

Do you always hurt me like this

Actually yes

Why am i talking to you :(

I don’t know why are you?

I can’t remember why but i think you’re the only person i ever want to talk to

…

Sorry im being weird haha

<3

* * *

Even had a good couple of days before he crashed. He felt sad and awful, so awful. He felt useless. He felt like a waste of space.

He was depressed.

.

“It’s common to experience depression after a coma,” said the doctor.

.

Isak stopped by a couple of times but Even shut him out completely. Everything was so confusing and whenever he saw Isak, he just felt worse.

_Why can’t I remember you? Why are you always everywhere making me feel like shit for not remembering you? You think I want this? You think I want to feel like a fucking piece of shit?_

.

They didn’t talk for a month.

Even started feeling better. The crazy dreams decreased and the hallucinations stopped, too. He had sometimes felt like he was being followed by a shadow.

Even was doing his best. He couldn’t go back to school yet, but he could stand on his crutches now. He could even walk without anyone’s help.

Having his Bakka friends around helped, too. Mikael and Sonja were incredibly supportive and helpful.

But he couldn’t help but feel empty and hollow and sad.

* * *

 

**Sonja**

You should talk to isak

No, why

I don’t know but it’s time for you to have a conversation dont you think?

Sonja i cant even think about him without feeling like shit

Like i cant remember him i feel like total shit

Listen

You literally dumped me for this guy and it took me some time to get over it

This is nOT how you guys will end

I won’t accept it

Sonja wtf

anyways

Are you still coming over later?

Mom will flip if you don’t

You promised

Yeah of course

What do you think about this outfit by the way?

Oops wrong pic :D

sonja...

* * *

**babyyyyyyy <3<3<3<3**

Hi!

Hi Even

How are you

I’m good and you?

Feeling better?

I’ve been in touch with your mom, didn’t want to overwhelm you. She says you’re doing great

I’m sorry

For what

For pushing you away like that

That’s okay. Having me around wasn’t the best thing anyways

That’s not true

I miss you

Even

Do you??

Are your memories back????

No but i miss you

I miss you too

Can i see you?

* * *

Isak agreed to meet him in a random coffee shop.

When Even spotted him, his heart started beating fast, really fast in his chest.

_Hi._

“Hello,” said Even, trying to keep himself composed.

But Isak threw his arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug instead.

“Hi, Even,” he breathed into his neck. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too.”

They sat down and ordered the worst coffee he had ever tasted.

“This is shit,” said Even.

“It’s total shit. Can’t trust these coffee shops anymore, dammit.”

“I know right?”

“The more complicated the order, the worse it tastes, what the fuck,” said Isak, chasing the coffee with some water he had requested.

Even smiled.

“What?”

“I miss hearing you complain so passionately about coffee,” said Even.

“Huh when have I ever?” Isak scoffed.

“Oh stop it. Remember that day you spilled your coffee all over yourself and then blamed me for it because I didn’t get my own coffee that day?” Even smiled at the memory.

When he opened his eyes, Isak wasn’t smiling.

“What?”

“You remember that?” said Isak. “That day, the day I went back home to get changed and you had your super important interview-”

“For the internship,” Even continued.

“Yes, the internship,” said Isak. “Oh my god, you’re remembering shit!”

“Fuck, I didn’t realize-”

Even couldn’t finish his sentence because Isak had left his stool and was now kissing him with so much passion, it knocked the air out of his lungs.

_Fuck. Fuck. I missed this. I missed this._

Even held onto Isak’s waist and pulled him closer as they melted into one another. It was messy and sloppy and ridiculous and they probably missed each other’s lips a couple of times, but it was still perfect. Even kissed him like it was the most natural thing in the world, like he had done it a million times over. It was all so new but all so familiar. He knew exactly how to flick his tongue inside Isak’s mouth to make him whimper. And whimper he did. He tugged at his hair harder and almost moaned before they both realized they were very much in public.

“Shit!” Even muttered.

“Baby, I missed you. I missed this,” Isak panted.

They left the coffee shop in a hurry and ran outside, holding hands.

Isak jumped on his bike and Even rode behind him.

“Where are we going?” said Even.

“I don’t know.”

They got to a residential area, and Isak suddenly stopped the bike and got off. Even followed. They walked to a random house and stopped in front of a window.

“What are we doing?” said Even.

“Do you remember this place?”

Even was confused.

“I don’t know. Should I?” said Even.

“There’s a pool in this house. Do you remember whose house it is?”

Even tried his best. He really did. He wanted to remember so badly. Isak’s eyes were shining and he had biked across town to get them to this place and he could tell that he had hope, too much hope. But he couldn’t remember. He just couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay.”

Isak turned around and jumped down to the window leading to the pool.

“What are you doing?” said Even.

“It’s okay. It’s my aunt’s house,” said Isak.

“Your aunt?”

“Yeah. She’s on vacation and forgot to give me the key but I know how to get in,” said Isak.

“Isak, what is this?”

“I want to go for a swim. Don’t you want to join me?”

.

They ended up fully clothed in the pool. Isak had pushed him in and Even couldn’t stop laughing.

“What the fuck? Do I need to remind you I just got out of a coma?” said Even, beaming.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Fuck, Even. I’m sorry!” Isak panicked.

“You’re cute. I’m joking. I’m fine! Ha!”

Isak was full of wonders. The entire situation was beyond ridiculous, but Even felt so happy, he felt like his heart could leap out of his body.

They floated for a while. Just being silly and ridiculous and splashing each other with water.

“So what now?” said Even.

“Now we find out who can hold his breath the longest underwater,” said Isak.

“And why would we do that?”

“For reasons,” said Isak.

Even couldn’t say no. And the moment they were underwater, his heart started clenching in his chest.

_We’ve done this before._

He only managed to stay for a few seconds before he felt like choking. His thoughts were in a jumble. He came up for air, and Isak followed closely behind.

“You won,” said Even.

“No, I didn’t,” Isak looked sad and a bit disappointed.

_What did we do in this damn pool the first time around._

“Let’s do it again,” said Even.

“Okay.”

The moment he disappeared under the surface, he knew, he just knew.

_Oh my god._

Even felt it with every fibre of his being. He felt it in his soul, however cheesy that was. He knew. He just knew.

So he swam closer and kissed him exactly like he had the very first time.

_Hi baby._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <33333  
> Hope you liked it. I love love reading your thoughts on this. Thank you SO MUCH for your support guys <3  
> It's different from the first two chapters since Even is actually awake now. But he's still lost. Still trying to find Isak.  
> Usually when people lose their memories after a trauma it's because it was 'too traumatic' lol. Why do you think Even couldn't remember Isak (and past 3+ years)? What do you think about Sonja being the biggest shipper tbh? What do you think happened on that train? What do you think about Even just knowing that he loves Isak even when he can't remember him? (if any of you guys watched I Hear Your Voice haha don't hit me)  
> Love u guys  
> *hugs* <3


	4. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello <3 so sorry for the wait :(( I'm having a crazy week with spring allergies <3 and work hahaha.  
> I hope you like this. *RUNS* (I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to replying to all the comments on the previous chapter. I'm working on it I promise thank you so much <33333) 
> 
> Surprise: Isak's POV

_It was the end of the world. The end of the goddamn universe._

_“Don’t you dare, Even! Don’t you fucking dare!” Isak couldn’t see through his tears. He couldn’t see. ”I swear I’ll never fucking forgive you if you do this!”_

_“Isak, I have to. I love you! Okay?”_

_“Fuck you! No! Even, please! Please!”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“No! No! Even, No! No-”_

_Silence._

_It was the end of the world. The end of the goddamn universe._

* * *

Isak had been having the exact same dream for over seven weeks.

It always ended in the exact same way, with Isak staring into the void, his heart ripped open, his eyes wide and empty, half of his soul gone.  

Isak always took a few minutes to calm down, to stop breathing so _damn_ hard, to remember that everything was okay now, that he was okay, that Even was okay.

Even. _Fucking Even._

Even who couldn’t remember who he was but still looked at him like he was the sun. Even who now recalled that their first kiss was underwater.

Isak’s heart was completely broken. He was exhausted and on the verge of an emotional breakdown when Even reached out to him and told him that he missed him.

_Keep it cool. Don’t overwhelm him. Don’t do anything weird like lunge at him or something._

But Isak was only human, and when he saw Even at the coffee shop, Even who looked like the moon and the stars and everything good and beautiful, he couldn’t help it. _Gosh. I’m cheesy._

He lunged at him and wrapped him into a tight hug.

When Even recalled the _goddamn_ day he had spilled coffee all over himself, Isak wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him so badly. So he did. And when Even kissed him back the exact same way they had a million times over, he melted into him and felt his heart heal inside his chest. He could almost hear the broken pieces getting glued back together. He felt whole again.

_I missed you so fucking much._

When they got to the house where they had shared their first kiss and Isak realized that Even had no idea where they were, Isak could feel himself deflate.

But he decided to cling into the little glimmer of hope that he had. He just had to.

_Come on, Even. You can do this. Just try to remember._

Isak had almost decided to give up when Even asked him to do it again.

They were underwater. And when Isak felt Even get near him, his heart started beating unevenly in his chest. He knew. He knew that Even would kiss him. And kiss him he did.

When they came up for air, nobody was there to interrupt them. There was no little girl yelling for her mother to come down and no uncertainty in Isak’s mind. He wasn’t a shy second year who had never kissed a boy before. No he wasn’t. So he parted his lips and wrapped his arms around Even’s neck and pulled him closer, so much closer.

_Even. Even. Even._

Even who was laughing against his lips and kissing him so deeply that he felt it resonate throughout his entire being.

Even.

“Isak. Isak. Oh my god. Oh my god! You lied to me!”

“What?!”

“This is **my** aunt’s house, not yours!” said Even, with wet hair, wet skin, and a blinding smile.

“You remember?!” Isak couldn’t help but feel insecure.

“Fuck! Isak! I brought you here! I brought you here and I kissed you right here. Right here!”

“You did. Yes.” Isak was glad they were soaked because Even couldn’t tell that he was crying.

“Wow. And a little girl interrupted us, right?”

“Yes.”

“Holy shit!”

Even cupped his face and kissed him again. It was quick. Just a peck. But Isak still felt everything. And when Even pulled him into a hug, he melted into it and wrapped his arms around his back.

They were okay. Even couldn’t remember everything. But right now, they were okay. And that was all that mattered.

* * *

_When Isak realized that Even couldn’t remember him, that he truly had no idea who he was and that he wasn’t pulling a cruel joke on him, he pinched himself to check that he wasn’t dreaming._

What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a joke? What kind of fucking cliche?

_When hours went by and Even still had no clue who he was, Isak felt his heart break inside his ribcage. He felt every single crack._

_So he smiled at Even, ran a hand through his hair, waited until he fell asleep, then ran outside the hospital._

_When he reached the parking lot, he screamed. He screamed because everything hurt too much. Because he didn’t deserve this. Because the universe was so unfair and so cruel, and his guilt was crippling and he couldn’t breathe. He just couldn’t breathe._

_He kicked random walls, set off a few car alarms, and just sobbed out loud because_ fuck it. Fuck it all and fuck everything.

 _Isak had only ended up on his knees on the goddamn ground, sobbing into his hands three times in his life, and they were all related to Even. The first time was when his heart broke during second year. The second time was on_ **that damn train** _. And the third was in this parking lot._

_He had been trying his best to stay strong, for him, for Even. He only ever cried when it got too much. He tried being as rational and scientific as he could about Even’s condition. He tried to stay logical and not panic. He wrote down every single reaction Even had to any drug or change of temperature or anything at all. He logged all the procedures doctors and nurses did on him. He spoke to him out loud every day despite feeling beyond ridiculous. He waited and waited and waited and stared at him until he could no longer afford to keep his eyes open._

_He sat by his bed and begged him to come back to him. He held him tight, so tight, whenever Even seemed to be having bad dreams. He full-on sobbed that one time Even’s heartbeat neared a flatline. He sobbed and begged and begged. And when Even heartbeat jumped back and he squeezed his fingers for a split of a second, Isak hugged him and breathed into his neck, ‘I missed you. I missed you.”_

_Those were the most challenging ten days of his life. Isak felt like he was stuck in an alternate universe, in an endless nightmare from which he simply couldn’t wake up._

_So when Even finally woke up, only to realize that he had no idea who Isak was, it felt like a slap to the face, a punch to the throat._

_Isak breathed hard into his own hands until he realized that he wasn’t being fair to Even. So he brought his palms to his face and wiped his tears._

Stop being such a dramatic self-centered fucking asshole!

_Isak had no right to feel bad for himself. Even deserved someone who would stick by him through everything. Memory losses after a coma were common. He would remember, eventually._

_Isak got up on his feet, got back to the hospital, checked Even’s temperature, scribbled random statistics in his notebook, then left the room to call Sonja._

_“It’s funny but… he can’t remember me.”_

* * *

Even was lying on his back on their bed, staring at the ceiling, one arm bent behind his own head, the other stretched up as if he was trying to grasp something invisible.

Isak stood by window, searching frantically through his backpack for nothing in particular. He was stalling. He was nervous.

_Don’t be ridiculous._

It was Even’s first time back into their apartment in nearly two months. Isak was fidgeting. It was one of the most bizarre situations.

Even was still Even. He lay on the bed in the exact same way he always had. He knew which side was his. He did that thing with his arm, and his legs were crossed the exact same way they had always been.

But Isak couldn’t help but feel nervous. He felt like the first time he had let Even into the kollektiv. He felt like a teenager again.

“What are you looking for?” said Even.

“Uh, just this thing. For. Uh, one of my classes,” said Isak. _A lie._

“Hm. That’s a lie, isn’t it?”

“Excuse me?” Isak scoffed.

When Even laughed, it resonated through the apartment and Isak felt like combusting.

“I can tell when you lie to me. You know,” said Even, sitting up on the edge of the bed, still smiling.

“How dare you? I don’t lie! That wasn’t even a lie. I’m just -,” Isak paused.

“Just what?”

Isak didn’t reply because he wasn’t sure of what he wanted to say in the first place.

“Hey,” Even’s voice was so soft. “Come sit next to me.”

Isak looked up from his bag and sighed, his shoulders still tense, his heart still in his throat.

He begrudgingly made his way to the edge of the bed and sat next to Even, looking at his own hands.

“Hi,” said Even.

Isak could feel his stare burning through his skin, but he didn’t dare look up.

“Hey,” Even spoke again, scooting closer until their sides were pressed together. “What are you thinking about?”

“You. I’m thinking about you,” said Isak.

When Isak finally looked up, Even’s eyes looked sad, too sad.

“I’m sorry,” said Even. “I’m so fucking sorry. You have no idea. I remember some stuff now, but I’ll never forgive myself for forgetting. I feel like I failed you. I feel like I failed me. I don’t know. I’m just so sorry you’re so sad, Isak.”

_No. Oh my god. No._

Isak realized that Even mistook him being an awkward bundle of nerves for being sad.

“Hey, hey,” Isak turned to face him and cupped his face. “I’m not sad. I’m not fucking sad.”

“No?” Even looked so small.

“No, baby. No, fuck!” Isak pulled his face in and kissed him. “I’m so fucking happy you’re here, Even. I’m not sad. Never. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Isak kissed him again, slow and deep and careful. He took his time because he could. Even gasped every time Isak’s thumbs brushed over his cheekbones, and it made Isak feel everything.

Even held onto his sides and pulled him closer, always closer.

They kissed like they were getting to know each other all over again. They kissed for what felt like an eternity. They kissed until their lips were sore, until Isak was on top of Even in their bed. They kissed until their doubts turned into moans and their fears into gasps. They kissed until it all became too much.

“Oh my god!” Even panted, breathing hard. “I don’t think my body’s strong enough for this.”

“Should we stop?” Isak genuinely asked, eyes wide and hair completely disheveled.

Even smiled and breathed a high-pitched, “are you kidding me?” before pulling him back in.

Isak kissed his lips and his cheeks and his nose and his neck. He kissed him everywhere until Even was laughing against his lips. So Isak laughed, too, because for a moment everything was too perfect.

“This is nice. This is very nice,” said Even.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m almost done being a jealous child.”

“Huh? Jealous? Of what?” Isak was confused.

“Of the guy you love so damn much,” said Even.

“What are you talking about?”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m another version of Even who ended up in the wrong universe. Like I woke up here instead of somewhere else, like _your_ Even is still stuck somewhere, you know.”

Isak couldn’t help but smile.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because you are **my** Even. Trust me. I would recognize you in any universe,” said Isak.

“Huh?”

“You didn’t even believe in the parallel universe theory, Even. I put that idea in your head. You’re remembering stuff,” Isak cupped his face and smiled. “You’re my Even. You just have to remember that I’m your Isak.”

Even smiled, reached up, and brushed Isak’s hair off his forehead.

“This is so cheesy,” said Even.

“Cheesy is your specialty.”

“I know,” said Even, before sitting up with Isak still on his lap.

He leaned in and kissed him, soft and tender and slow.

Isak felt butterflies in the pit of his stomach. It was all so absurd because this was the same guy he had lived with for three years.

It was as if he was getting to fall in love a second time. It all felt too fragile and beautiful and perfect and vulnerable.

Isak let Even cup his face and kiss him breathless while he held on for dear life.

.

“How long have we been living here?”

“Three years,” said Isak.

“Wow, shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Special roommates huh,” said Even.

“Yep.”

“I do the cooking, right?”

“Yes,” said Isak.

“And the cleaning?”

“That, too.”

“Why do I live with you again?”

“I give amazing head,” said Isak, before realizing that he was being a bit too much again. “Shit!”  

Even laughed. He laughed so loud and for so long that it reverberated through Isak’s entire being where he was lying on Even’s chest.

“Woah, when can I move back in?” said Even.

Isak shoved him. “Asshole!”

“Isak, I mean it.”

“Huh?”

“I know it’s too soon, and I know it’s very weird for you. And you don’t even have to let me back move in. But I don’t know.”

“Even, what are you talking about?!”

“I just want to be with you. Does it make sense? I just want to be around you. I want to get to know you. I just. I know it’s fucking ridiculous. But will you go out with me?”

“What the fuck, Even?”

“Will you be my boyfriend slash personal care assistant slash whatever you want to be to me? Can you give me a chance? I know it’s not this version of me that you signed up for, but can you give me a chance?”

_Ugh. Only you could come up with such cheesy shit!_

“What the fuck, Even! Shut up! We never broke up! What is wrong with you?! Of course I’m your boyfriend. Are you crazy?! And personal care assistant? Are you pulling my leg? How do you remember the most random shit?”

Even ended up spending the night, curled up around Isak.

“So, about that thing.”

“What thing? It’s 2AM, Even.”

“You know that thing that you’re amazing at giving.”

“Even, are you seriously asking for a blowjob right now?”

“I don’t know. Isn’t that how I asked for them before?”

“I’m going to punch you.”

* * *

 _The first six hours following the_ accident _were the worst. Isak couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t hear, couldn’t breathe._

_He had no recollection of how he ended up in an ambulance. He had minor injuries and someone was stitching his forehead. Isak hadn’t even noticed that he was bleeding. He felt numb. He had cried too much. He didn’t know what to do._

_There were people everywhere, running around, screaming, placing phone calls, doing the most. Everything was too much and Isak stared into the void._

_“What’s your name?” someone in a uniform asked him._

_But Isak didn’t answer. He forgot how to speak._

_His phone was blowing up in his backpocket._

How the fuck is it still here?

_The news must have reached home. He couldn’t pick up. He couldn’t call. He couldn’t do a damn thing._

_He squeezed his phone for a while, unlocked it, then typed._

_._

**_Jonas_ **

_You better fucking pick up_

_are you guys okay_

_Isak fuck if you see this please call me or anyone_

_We’re freaking the fuck out_

_Fuck if something happens to you i swear to god_

_Isak if you have time if you see this please please call me_

_We’re all waiting_

_Please be okay_

_he’s gone_

_he’s gone forever_

_._

_Isak was taken to a hospital somewhere. He had no idea in which city they were. He couldn’t care less. He wanted to disappear._

_His phone was blowing up with more calls and texts. Most of them asking to elaborate about the ‘he’s gone’. He was about to throw his phone away when he saw one of Even’s mother’s texts._

_He cried. He cried until he no longer could._

_._

_Isak made his way to the big waiting area and approached a man who was giving patient updates._

_It took all of his courage to utter the next words._

_“Where can I find the list of the ones who were declared dead please?”_

_Isak was numb. He was numb but tears couldn’t stop rolling down his face._

_“Nobody has been declared dead yet.”_

_“What about people on the- on the scene?”_

_“Two people have been brought over from the scene. One is currently being operated on, and the other is already awake. Nobody’s been declared dead on the scene either.”_

_._

_Isak ran with his heart in his throat. He ran across the hospital, and when he realized that the person who had woken up was a woman in her thirties, he felt his heart stop again._

Fuck. fuck. Fuck.

_“There is one unidentified person currently being operated on,” said a nurse._

_“Fuck. Can I go in? Can I go in?! I go to med school! It’s fine. I know how this works. Please! Please! I am begging you! Please!” he sobbed._

_“I’m sorry but I cannot let you in. I can tell you, however, that this person is a male in his twenties, around 1m93 with blonde hair.”_

Even.

_He was alive. Isak was so sure he hadn’t made it. So certain._

_Even was alive but in a critical state. And when Isak first saw his lifeless body, he wanted to scream._

_“We’re going to have to put him through a medically induced coma if we want to stop the swelling in his brain,” said the doctor._

* * *

Isak stared at his phone for a moment before typing out a reply.

**Jonas**

Hey

This is weird but I just

want to let you know that Even’s coming to the party on friday

Why is it weird

He said he’s coming with his new boyfriend

.

_What a cheesy asshole._

* * *

**Even <33333**

wtf?

New boyfriend???

Yes that’s me. Your new boyfriend

Hello to you too

Omg

I know you were in a coma but did u forget how to take selfies too

:(

Where are you

Home with mom

Are you coming over later?

yes

EVEN STOP THIS SHIT

HAHA <3

.

Isak was nervous. He was trailing behind Even who seemed to know where Jonas’ house was.

“You remember?”

“Yeah, I think I do,” said Even.

“Cool.”

“Cool?”

“What? Do you remember something else?” said Isak.

“We fucked in Jonas’ house once, right?”

Isak’s face flushed.

“Fuck off!”

“What?” Even smiled. “We’re adults. Why are you so shy?”

“I’m not fucking shy! We just haven’t talked about _that_ yet.”

“‘That’ being sex?”

“Yes,” said Isak.

“Is that why you won’t let me anywhere near your dick?”

“Shut the fuck up, Even!”

They were at the door and Isak was beyond nervous.

Even knocked while he hid behind him.

“Hey man!” Magnus opened the door. “I’m so glad to see you. Holy shit! But wait! I heard you have a new boyfriend. What the fuck, man? Are you fucking shitting m-. Oh shit, hey Isak. What the fuck?”

“Uh, hi, Mags,” said Isak.

Even pulled him closer until he was glued to his side.

“Hello Magnus. Have you met my new boyfriend, Isak?”

.

“Fuck, I heard that going through a coma sometimes alters personalities and stuff, but Even’s still corny as shit,” said Jonas.

Isak laughed.

“He is.”

.

They were walking side by side around one in the morning. They left the party a bit early because Isak kept forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to be touching Even like _that_.

He had only had a few beers but they still got to his head. He couldn’t help but melt into Even and touch his hips and snuggle against his chest. He was a mess.

“You’re a mess, bro.”

“Shut up, Jonas!”

Isak had just missed having him around so much, so _damn_ much, that he couldn’t help it. He simply couldn’t stand not touching him anymore.

“You okay?” Even grabbed his face and pushed his hair off his forehead.

“I’m fine,” said Isak.

“You’re cute when you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“Yeah tipsy, whatever. You’re cute. The cutest.”

“I love you,” Isak blurted out.

Even smiled then leaned in and kissed him, his hands still cupping Isak’s cheeks.

_Hmm._

He could almost hear himself melt into it. When Even pulled back, Isak kept his eyes closed because he didn’t want to deal with everyone’s reactions to them kissing in the middle of a party.

“Fuck me! Why do I feel like crying right now?!” Magnus shouted.

.

It was a beautiful night. The stars were shining and the wind was blowing, but it was still warm and nice, so nice.

Isak wasn’t drunk, just slightly buzzed. Even hadn’t had any alcohol as he was still dealing with the aftermath of his surgeries.

They walked side by side, their hands brushing against each other.

Isak smiled to himself. And when Even nudged his hand a second time and then a third, Isak reached out and laced their fingers together.

Even gasped. He _gasped._

“You okay there?” said Isak.

“Yeah, it’s just. Wow. My heart is beating like crazy.”

“What? Are you okay? Do you want to go get checked out?”

Even laughed.

“Isak, are you being serious right now?”

“Huh?”

“I’m not feeling sick I’m just overwhelmed because we’re holding hands,” said Even.

“Oh god,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“What? I’m serious! I’m really nervous right now. I feel like butterflies in my stomach and stuff.”

“Even, stop!”

“I mean it! Don’t you feel it?”

“Of course I fucking feel it.”

“You do? Even if it’s not the first time you’re doing this? I can’t remember our other times but you can,” said Even.

“Even if I remember our other times, yes.”

“Wouldn’t it be cool if we could redo some stuff, like go back in time and fix stuff?” said Even.

“I guess, yeah.”

.

When they reached their apartment, Isak was back to being a nervous mess.

“What’s up with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Isak.”

“Ugh fine! I just. I really want to touch you but I don’t know if it’s too soon. I don’t know,” said Isak.

“What do you mean touch me?”

“Fuck off, Even. You know what I mean.”

Even grinned, walked over to Isak and kissed him. It was filthy and wet and overwhelming.

“Oookay. What was that for?” said Isak.

“I want to touch you. I’ll do the touching, okay?”

“Even-”

“Stop talking, Isak. Just. I’ve made you feel like shit for over two months, just let me do this one thing for you.”

Even was on his knees, and Isak couldn’t believe they were finally back to this.

“Oh my god. Even, fuck!”

“Isak, you’ll wake the neighbors.”

“Fuck the neighbors. Fuck the fucking neighbors!”

* * *

_It was a nice day in April. It wasn’t too cold, and it wasn’t too hot. It was just perfect._

_They were going to Trondheim for one of their friends' wedding._

_Isak was sitting by the window playing on his phone, and Even had suddenly decided that he wanted to switch places._

_They bickered and teased each other like they always did, then laughed and made out like they always did._

_Isak agreed to switch places and fell asleep on Even’s shoulder almost instantly after that. He woke up, went to the bathroom, rolled his eyes at a woman with a child, then went back to his seat to complain about it to Even._

_It was nice. It was nice and perfect until it wasn’t._

_Isak didn’t understand what was happening at first. There was a loud bang somewhere, and then a few others. And before he knew it, there was chaos everywhere and gravity wasn’t doing its job anymore, or maybe it was._

_He couldn’t hold in place in his seat. His eyes were wide. His heart was beating uncontrollably. He held onto Even’s hand. Even who was surprising calm about the entire situation, almost detached._

_There was another loud bang and the train started decelerating, and the screaming was almost stopping._

_“What the fuck is happening?! What the fuck is going on?”_

_“I think we collided with another train,” said Even looking out the window. “We’re probably getting derailed right now, shit.”_

_“What?!”_

_The train then tilted sideways, still not stopping. It was tilting and he could see the ground getting nearer and nearer behind Even’s head._

_“Even! EVEN, what the fuck!”_

_It was all a blur after that, the window smashing, the train tilting to a perfect forty five degrees, Even flying out of the window like he didn’t weigh a damn thing._

_Everybody was making their way to the car behind them because it hadn’t tilted yet. But Even was hanging from the window, and Isak was doing everything he could to pull him back in._

_“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Isak couldn’t stop screaming. He couldn’t stop._

_He was holding onto Even’s arm with both hands. The train had tilted so far off the platform which was raised above the ground, that Even risked a fifteen meter fall._

_Isak’s knuckles turned white from pulling so hard, but he could feel Even slipping further and further away from him._

_“No, fuck! No! Can someone help me! Help please! Please!” Isak begged, his face flushed and sweaty, and his heart about to burst inside his chest. “Please, I’m fucking begging you! Please, please!”_

_But nobody was willing to risk their life. Nobody. Isak begged and pulled as hard as he could._

_“Even, please try to bring your other arm up! I’m getting you out of here, I promise. Trust me! Okay?! Just trust me.”_

_“Isak.” He could barely hear Even’s voice, but it was there. Even was letting go._

_“Even, what the fuck are you doing?!”_

_“Isak, you’re going to fall, too! You’re going to fall!”_

_“I don’t give a fuck, Even! Are you kidding me! Don’t you dare fucking let go of my hand right now! Someone will come soon. Just hold on!”_

_Even slipped a bit further away._

_“Isak! Isak listen to me. Isak. I’ll be fine, okay! Just let go. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you, soon!”_

_“Don’t you dare, Even! Don’t you fucking dare!” Isak couldn’t see through his tears. He couldn’t see. ”I swear I’ll never fucking forgive you if you do this!”_

_“Isak, I have to. I love you! Okay?”_

_“Fuck you! No! Even, please! Please!”_

_“I’m sorry, baby.”_

_“No! No! Even, No! No-”_

_Silence. All Isak heard after that was Even’s body hitting the ground fifteen meters below._

* * *

Things were good, really good. Even spent most of his nights in their apartment, except for one night. Even had acted really weird for an entire day and couldn’t even look Isak in the eyes without tearing up, so he spent the night at his parents.

Aside from that, Even was a breath of fresh air. He was wonderful. He was everything. He cooked for Isak and was getting ready to go back to school and to his part-time job.

“That Master’s degree isn’t going to finish itself,” said Even over the kitchen stove.

“I guess you’re right. I’ll miss having you around the house acting like my loving wife though,” said Isak, beaming.

“I can still be your loving wife. Something tells me that I cooked and cleaned and ironed your clothes even while working and going to school,” said Even.

“Shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“What? I’ll even sing 5 Fine Frøkner while making you breakfast every day.”

“You remember that?”

“What?”

“You remember how much I hate that fucking song?” said Isak.

“Oh shut up. You fucking love it,” said Even with a smile, turning around to face him.

Isak pulled grabbed his shirt on both sides and pulled into a kiss.

“No. I fucking love you.”

“And I fucking love you, too,” said Even, before kissing him again.

.

**Even <333333**

Hey i left before u woke up

Morning

Again with the selfies ffs

what?

I’ll be done with classes around 16:00

Movie tonight?

Hmm no

?

I feel like checking into a fucking suite

What

We look so cute here

Even, did u go around social media?

You’re not supposed to

It’s ok

I remember when we took them

You do?

Yeah <3

:’) <3333

So will you come with me?

Hm?

You + me + suite = 

.

_What the fuck?_

Isak wanted to ask Even if he remembered about the suite, because otherwise it would be too weird. There was absolutely no way Even would have done the exact same thing and texted him the exact same emojis.

Isak was trying to convince himself that it was a coincidence. But when Even dragged them to the Plaza, the Radisson Blu hotel, he felt shivers down his spine.

Isak hadn’t come to this _damn_ hotel since that one night at seventeen. He couldn’t even walk past it, and he avoided it at all costs.

“Even, what are we doing here?”

“What do you mean? I’m treating my boyfriend to a nice date. Can’t I do that?”

“Uh, I guess you can.”

_Just fucking ask if he remembers._

He couldn’t.

.

It was too overwhelming and Isak’s heart was in his throat. So when Even pulled him into a kiss while they were riding the elevator, he felt like the earth had stopped spinning.

_He remembers._

When they got to the suite, Isak couldn’t look Even in the eyes. So he quietly undressed with his back to Even.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m taking my clothes off,” said Isak.

“Why?”

“Aren’t we going to fuck?”

“Isak. What?”

“Isn’t this why we’re here? So that we can finally have sex after all this time?”

“We don’t have to. We can talk,” said Even.

“Okay.”

.

They were lying on the huge bed where they had _made love_ more almost four years prior. Isak was nervous and Even must have felt it because he pulled him even closer into his chest.

“Did you seriously book a suite to cuddle?” said Isak.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“I love you,” said Even.

“I love you, too.”

“I really really do. Even when I had no idea who you were, I still loved you. My brain might have not remembered you, but every other part of me did.”

“O-okay.”

“I mean it. I know why I blocked everything out. I know that now. You’re the key to everything,” said Even.

“What are you talking about?” Isak left his side to look at him.

“Isak, I’m sorry for everything. I want you to know that.”

“What are you sorry for? If anything, I’m the one who has to apologize. Trust me.”

“No. You have nothing to apologize for,” said Even, with absolutely no uncertainty behind his voice.

Isak could feel himself choke up.

_Yes, I do. I couldn’t save you. It was all my fault. If only I had kept my seat by the window! Why the fuck did you insist on switching seats that day? Why did you let go of my hand? Why wasn’t I strong enough? Why? If anybody should be sorry, it’s me! Me, not you!_

Isak’s guilt was probably the most consuming thing to deal with. Even was okay now. He was awake and healthy and he loved him still. Isak still couldn’t get over the fact that all of it happened to Even instead of him. Isak still dreamed of that day, even with Even wrapped around him every night.

Even was already in so much pain. Why did it have to be him? Of all _fucking_ people, why Even?

“Isak,” Even suddenly lifted his chin up. “None of it was your fault. And it wasn’t mine either. It just happened. Okay? It just happened. If anything, you brought me back. You saved me.”

“What?”

Even leaned in and kissed him. It was sweet and soft and perfect. It was one of those kisses that made Isak want to curl into Even and lose sight of himself in the older boy. It was one of those healing kisses that made everything, **everything** , okay.

_I love you with every piece of my being._

Isak let himself enjoy it before shoving him gently.

“How much do you remember, Even?” Isak was all choked up. _Fuck._

“Isak..”

“Even, please!”

Even ran his hand through his hair, offered him that gentle smile that never failed to make his insides twist and turn, and looked into his eyes.

“Everything, baby. I remember everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kkjkjdfhhjfd. That was a lot. First, I want to say that I feel very weird using Henke's insta stories but lol. I don't think he would mind (love the henke <3) Let me know if you think i should take them out.  
> Second, oh boy the accident. I really wanted to go over it from Isak's POV as well because they essentially experienced it in very different ways. Isak's guilt was a recurrent theme, and i wanted to show why he was feeling that way. I realize it was super extra but it was my plan from the very beginning with the train and all, and I decided to stick to it <3 don't hate me haha  
> Also, Even remembers everything, oh boy the pain.  
> I really hope you liked this. It's essentially them falling in love all over again.  
> .  
> The response to this fic has been insane. Thank you so much, guys <3 It warms my heart to get the nicest feedback from people from all over the world. So thank you, and let me know which country you're from so I can die even more hahaha <3 Love you guys. (I'm working on answering all the comments i promise <3)  
> .  
> I've already said this on tumblr, but I might do one more verse before the season starts. 'Enemies to Lover' but with a twist because it's Isak and Even <3 they can't TRULY hate each other. *hugssssss*  
> PS: How much do you hate me for the Radisson Blu stuff, be honest.


	5. In Another Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end. the return of weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Another verse is ending <3\. Thank you so much for reading and for being so wonderful to me. Your support means the world so thank you from the bottom of my heart.  
> Warning: Some weird stuff.

**That Day**

It was a nice day in April. It wasn’t too cold, and it wasn’t too hot. It was just perfect.

Isak and Even were on a train headed to Trondheim for one of their friends’ wedding, Fredrik. Isak was sitting by the window and Even by the aisle.

Jonas, Eva, Magnus, and Noora were also invited. But they ended up taking an earlier train because they had a last minute mix-up with their hotel reservations and had to be in Trondheim earlier.

“Ugh, whatever. This is even better,” said Isak. “At least we’ll get to make out in peace, you know.”

“You’re aware that we can make out with them around as well, right?” said Even.

“Even..”

“Ugh, you and your PDA issues,” Even rolled his eyes. “We’ve been together for what? Four years now?”

“Three years and a half. Also, did you just roll your eyes at me?”

“Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, huh?” said Even teasingly, a smile already on his face.

“You’re such a dick. You know that?” said Isak, smiling right back, his hands reaching up to cup Even’s face.

“Yeah, but I’m your dick.”

“What the fuck, Even? Why do you always say the weirdest shit? Why are you ruining this?”

Even laughed then leaned in to kiss him. Isak smiled against his lips and pulled him a bit closer. And for a moment everything was perfect.

Everything was perfect until it wasn’t.

Even wasn’t sure what was going on, but some loud bangs started propagating around the train. Isak’s eyes went wide, way too wide. _He’s scared._

Even wanted nothing more but to hold onto him and make everything stop.

_What the fuck is going on?_

People were screaming around them and the bangs only got louder. The train was suddenly decelerating but not in a reassuring way.

Isak’s panic was growing, so Even grabbed his face and squeezed, squeezed hard.

“Everything will be fine, okay?” said Even, looking directly into his eyes.

“What the fuck, Even! I’m not a child! I think we crashed into another train!” Isak shouted, his hands now on top of Even’s where they rested on his face.

“Let’s stay calm. I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal. We’ll be fine, okay?” Even meant it. He really did.

“You and your fucking optimism!”

Isak smiled. He did. The world around them was ending. But for a moment, it was just the two of them in their corner of the universe.

It was the end of the world. The end of the _goddamn_ universe. But Even knew that they were going to be fine. They were always just fine. So they held hands and waited for the train to stop.

But when it did, Isak was no longer by his side. No. The train had titled, the window had shattered, and Isak’s body had been propulsed outside before Even even got a chance to process what was happening. One second Isak was there, and the next he wasn’t.

Even made it to the window just in time for Isak’s body hit the ground twenty meters or so below, and for Even’s entire soul to crash and burn.

“Isak... Isak! ISAK! ISAK! ISAK! ISAK! ISAK!”

.

“ISAK! ISAK! ISAK! ISAK! ISAK!”

Even woke up drenched in sweat with Isak curled around him and trying to calm him down.

“Oh my god! Are you okay? Calm down. I’m right here! I’m right here! Stop yelling my name!”

Even’s eyes were about to pop out of his head.

“Isak! Isak! Oh my god! Oh my god!” Even turned around and knocked the air out of Isak’s lungs by taking him into his arms. “Oh my god!”

“Even, what the fuck? You’re scaring me!”  

Even couldn’t talk. He couldn’t explain.

_It felt so real. It felt so fucking real!_

“Baby, you’re shaking! Did you have a nightmare? You never have nightmares. Are you okay?”

But Even wasn’t talking. He just held him as tight as he could and kissed his hair and his temple and everything he could reach.

“Geez, what is it? Did I die in your dream or what?” said Isak.

“Don’t joke about that!”

“You’re being ridiculous!”

They went back to sleep and Even kept Isak’s head in the crook of his neck all night. He simply refused to let go of him.

.

“I can’t breathe,” Isak mumbled against his skin when he woke up in the morning.

“Stop being so dramatic,” said Even, tightening his hold.

“What’s up with you, geez! Let go of me!” Isak tried to shove him, but Even wasn’t having it.

“Never!”

.

“Isak, how about we ditch the wedding, huh? We don’t even like Fredrik!” said Even.

* * *

**Now**

Falling in love with Isak was the easiest thing Even ever had to do. This boy made it so easy, so so easy.

Isak was awkward and adorable and charming and caring and strong and grumpy and confident and vulnerable and hot and smart and real and endearing and moody and everything in between. He was a paradox. He was a dream come true.

Even only remembered bits and pieces. But after their trip to the infamous pool, Even knew it in his soul.

_I love you._

He knew it. He just did.

So when Isak let him move back in, called him his boyfriend, curled around him while they slept, and kissed him like he was the most important person to him in the whole universe, Even felt his heart grow bigger and bigger. He had absolutely no doubts.

_I love you._

He wanted to say it but he felt like he couldn’t until he remembered everything.

_Why can’t I fucking remember._

.

They were at a party, and Even felt amazing. He couldn’t remember any of the people shaking his hand and tapping his back, but he still smiled and felt right at home.

He wanted to hold some actual conversations with some of them, but Isak wouldn’t leave his side. He was glued to him and simply wouldn’t stop nuzzling against his neck.

_Oh my god._

Isak was drunk. He was drunk and needy and cute and demanding. He touched him everywhere and Even couldn’t help but gasp every single time. He wanted nothing more but to press him against the wall and make him writhe and moan under his touch.

“Baby, I need you,” Isak whispered in his ear, his face flushed and his gaze dark and intense.  

_Fuck me._

“I need you, baby. Please,” Isak pleaded again.

Even was about to give in and take him upstairs when Jonas showed up out of nowhere and dragged him away to give him some water.

_Shit. Thanks. Wow._

Even didn’t realize just how much power Isak had over him, and it took him a good ten minutes to calm down.

When Isak came back, he grabbed his face and asked him if he was okay.

“I love you,” Isak blurted out.

_Oh, baby. I love you, too. I love you, too._

But he couldn’t say it. Not yet. So he kissed him instead. He kissed him with everything that he had. And when Isak all but melted into him, Even’s heart started beating uncontrollably in his chest.

.

They were holding hands and Even felt like a lovesick fool. It felt so good. It felt so right.

He knew that they had held hands before, and he was almost grateful that he couldn’t remember because this felt amazing.

But then Isak told him that he felt those same butterflies, too, even if they had done it a million times before.

_Do we love each other like that?_

Even suddenly remembered the first time he ever held Isak’s hand. They were in a locker room, and Even had just told him that Sonja and him were taking a break.

Isak looked so happy and so small and so adorable. But then he told him that he didn’t want mentally ill people in his life, so Even took several steps back.

_Fuck._

Even remembered all of the heartbreak he must have caused Isak.

He took a deep breath. Isak didn’t need to know he remembered _that._

“Wouldn’t it be cool if we could redo some stuff, like go back in time and fix stuff?” said Even.

Isak let him go down on him that night. And everything was alright for a while.

.

Even decided to recreate everything he could remember without telling Isak about it. He didn’t want to tell him until he remembered everything. So he held onto small bits and pieces and schemed.

He waited for Isak to be done with classes and snuck him into an empty auditorium.

“What are you doing?” Isak was smiling.

“Let’s get kinky,” said Even.

“Hm, I like that but-”

“Hey! I just want to blow you, relax.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Did you close all the doors this time?” said Isak.

“This time?” Even tried to stifle a grin because he knew exactly what Isak was talking about.

“You remember, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Even, unbuckling Isak’s jeans.

“Don’t fucking lie to me!”

“Hey, I’m about to give you head. Don’t yell at me,” said Even.

“I hate you.”

“Let’s see if you still hate me after this,” said Even before sinking into the floor on his knees.

“Fuck.”

When Even remembered that one time he tried going down on Isak in an empty auditorium, only for an entire class to barge in because he forgot to close all the doors, he nearly choked on his cereals.

“Hm, come here. Let me kiss those lips,” said Isak, his chest still heaving.

“Still hate me, baby?” Even mumbled against his lips.

“Yes.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, I hate you so much that I’m about to return the favor,” said Isak.

“What? Are you serious? Are you finally going to touch my coma-surviving dick, Isak Valtersen?”

“Shut the fuck up, Even!”

Even nearly cried at the sight of Isak’s wet eyelashes between his legs.

“Fucking hell. You really do give amazing head. I’ll give you that.”

“Shut up.”

_Ugh. I love you._

.

Even remembered more things as days went by. He remembered the ugly, too. He remembered their fight after Even graduated high school, and how he had tried to shut Isak out after a particularly daunting depressive episode.

He remembered not wanting to be alive anymore, and he remembered how Isak begged him to return his calls for days.

He remembered all the selfish things he said to Isak to get him to stay away. He remembered calling him out on how he treated his mother and barely visited her, and he remembered the broken look on his face. _This is for you. I just don’t want to ruin your life._

He succeeded in driving him away for a day, but Isak came back stronger than ever.

_“You don’t get to decide what’s best for me. Do you hear me? I don’t give a shit if you think you’re ruining my life. Only I get to decide that. You’re not ruining me or whatever! Okay? And for the last time, I’m not going anywhere you fucking asshole,” said Isak, standing under his doorframe before making his way to his bunk bed._

_Even hadn’t said a thing. He simply closed his eyes as Isak curled around him and held him tight, so tight._

_“I’m not going anywhere. Just get used to it. And stop bringing up my mother when you can’t win a fight!”_

.

Even stood there, peaking at Isak who was studying on the kitchen table.

“What’s up with you?” said Isak, without moving his eyes from his book.

“Nothing.”

Isak sighed then put his pen down.

“Spill it, Bech Næsheim.”

“Fine. Uh. How is your mother?” said Even.

“What?”  

“I don’t know. You’re always hanging out with my mother, but I don’t hear anything about yours.”

“Huh, where is this coming from?” said Isak.

“I’m just asking. Sorry if it’s making you uncomfortable.”

“Hey, it’s not. I’m just curious. And my mom is doing great. She’s been admitted to this place and they’re actually taking very good care. I visit her every two weeks at least,” said Isak.

“Oh okay.”

“Wanna come with me next time?”

“Yeah I’d like that,” said Even.

He meant it.

.

They were on their way back from seeing Isak’s mother when Even reached out to grab his hand.

Isak smiled, so Even brought their laced fingers to his mouth and kissed the back of Isak’s hand. He then watched his face flush.

“What was that for?”

“I’m so proud of you,” said Even.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re so wonderful.”

“What the hell, stop being weird,” Isak blushed.

“I’m sorry about the stuff I said about you and your mother.”

“What stuff?”

“You know, that one time in your third year.”

Isak stayed silent for a few moments.

“You remember that?”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes I wish you could only remember the good stuff,” said Isak, before kissing Even’s hand, too.

.

Things were going great and Even spent most of his days getting mentally prepared for school and work and everything else. Isak curled around him every night until he fell asleep.

Even usually dozed off first. The medications he was still on made him very tired, and it was probably a good thing since he needed to follow a strict sleeping schedule for his bipolar.

This one time, however, his eyes shot open in the dead of the night.

Isak was burning beside him. His skin was abnormally hot, and he was sweating profusely.

_Shit. Is he okay._

Isak didn’t look okay. He looked like he was in pain. He was moving in his sleep and when Even turned on one of the lights, he noticed that there were tears on his face, too. He was having a nightmare.

“Even! Even, please, no! Even!” he mumbled in his sleep.

“Isak, wake up,” Even shook him gently. “I’m right here.”

“Even, don’t let go, I’m begging you, please! Please! I’ll never forgive you!”

It felt like a current went through him, like a big slap to the face, like a strong punch to the throat. Even’s soul had left his body, and for a moment, all he could was watch Isak struggle with his own demons in their bed.

By the time Isak had woken up and calmed himself down, oblivious to the blank expression on Even’s face, Even had managed to get back to his body and to turn off the light.

“Did I wake you up?” said Isak.

“No. No. I was just getting up to use the bathroom,” said Even with a shaky voice.

Isak didn’t notice the pain in his voice. He didn’t notice the tears on his face.

.

_FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK._

It was all came back to him. Everything. The train, and the dreams, and the coma, and the _weird shit_ , and the fake reality, and the fake Isak, and the pain, the excruciating pain of not knowing where he was and how he had ended up there, and the fear, the fear of his own thoughts, the fear of losing Isak, the fear of letting go, and the letting go, and the fall, the _damn_ fall.

_Fuck. fuck. Fuck. fuck. Fuck._

Even never made it back to bed that night. He cried and took a walk and held his head in his hands.

_I let go. I let go. I let go. I gave up. How do I face Isak. How do I face anyone. fuck._

.

Even felt himself choke up whenever Isak looked at him the following day.

_What if I hadn’t woken up? Oh my god. What would have happened to you? Would you have forgiven yourself? How could I leave you with so much guilt to bear? How?_

He couldn’t do it, so he came up with some silly excuse and went back to his parents’ place. He hugged his mother and whispered ‘sorry’ about fourteen times.

He got over his guilt in a day and wrapped Isak in a hug so tight the next morning that they both nearly fell.

Even restored all of his pictures on his phone and spent an entire day just looking at his camera roll and smiling.

So when Isak told him that he _fucking_ loved him over breakfast, Even beamed and said, “I fucking love you, too.”

.

“I feel like checking into a fucking suite.”

Even knew he had to tell Isak that he remembered everything. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do it, but he knew that he had to.

However, there was one thing that he wanted to do first.

Even remembered the first time Isak learned he was bipolar. The night they made love for the first time in _that fucking suite._

He remembered how everything crashed and burned. How a memory that he wanted Isak to cherish for the rest of his life turned into a scarring nightmare in the span of a few minutes. How Isak flinched every time someone mentioned the Plaza or just the word ‘suite’.

He would tell Isak. He would. But he would fix _that night_ first.

.

“How much do you remember, Even?”

“Everything, baby. I remember everything.”

* * *

**That Day**

“Isak, how about we ditch the wedding, huh? We don’t even like Fredrik!” said Even.

“Even,” Isak rolled his eyes. “We already booked our train and our hotel, and I even bought a freaking suit for this thing. Besides, everyone else is going!”

“Since when do you care about what the others do? How about we stay here and fuck all weekend? Hm?”

“Even, we do that every weekend.”

“Uh. You’re right. How about we go book a hotel and fuck there all weekend?” said Even, with a smile.

Isak squinted his eyes.

“Why are you being so fucking weird? You like Fredrik. I’m the one who dislikes him. You chose my suit for me and harassed me about going for weeks. Why are you being so weird? Are you hiding something from me?” said Isak.

_I don’t know. Fuck. I’m being stupid._

“No! What the hell. You’re right. I don’t know. I’m being dumb. Let’s get ready.”

Isak smiled walked over to the side of the bed where Even was sitting and straddled him.

“Hmm, I like where this is going,” said Even, squeezing Isak’s sides.

Isak leaned in to whisper something into his ear, and it took all of Even’s self-control to not push his hips upwards.

“If you’re a good boy, I’ll let you fuck me in my suit,” Isak whispered.

Even didn’t realize his mouth was hanging open until Isak grabbed his jaw.

“Fuck, baby. It’s so easy to get you going lately,” Isak laughed then kissed him.

Even groaned against his mouth and bit his lower lip.

“Hm, what was that for? Are you pissed?”

“Yes, I’m very very pissed right now,” Even smiled. “You can’t just tease me like that and get away with it.”

“Oh, are we doing this?”

Even picked him up and threw him on the bed.

“Is that even a question?” said Even, grinning and throwing his shirt over his head.

.

“Shit. Morning sex is the best sex. Fucking hell,” Isak’s chest was still heaving.

“We’re gonna be late,” said Even, reaching out to poke Isak’s nose with his index finger.

“Oh my god, fuck the wedding! I’m this close to changing my mind about leaving the apartment this weekend.”

“Yeah?” Even’s eyes lit up.

Isak rolled onto his side, grabbed Even’s face and kissed him.

“Nope, we’re still going. Besides I have to pick up some stuff from my lab, remember?”

.

Even went with Isak to his lab and shrugged whenever he asked him why he wouldn’t leave him alone.

“I just want to spend more time with my boyfriend,” he said. “What’s wrong with that?”

“You’re so cheesy,” Isak shoved him.

“What? I barely see you these days. You’re always studying and working.”

.

Even couldn’t help but panic when they got to the train station. It was all too familiar. Everything was exactly the way he remembered it from his dream.

_Fuck this._

He tried beating Isak to the window seat, but the younger boy just glared at him.

“What do you think you’re doing Mr. Bech Næsheim?” said Isak with the most endearing smile.

_You’re too cute._

“Nothing,” Even stepped aside to let Isak walk in front of him. “You’re a child!”

“Well that’s awkward considering you give it to me good every-”

“Oh my god, Isak!”

They laughed, made it to an empty row, ignored people glaring at them, then settled into their seats.

“I can’t believe you!” said Even.

“I learned from the best!” Isak smiled.

“Are you saying I’m the best? Wow, you’re so nice!”

“Who said anything about you? I’m referring to our dear old Fredrik who’s getting married tomorrow.”

Even shoved him. “Pfft! Yeah right.”

Isak laughed then pulled him into a kiss. “Kiss me quick before Jonas and the others find us.”

.

“Uhm, Jonas said they took an earlier train but forgot to tell me? What the fuck?”

“What?” Even’s blood ran cold in his veins.

_What the fuck._

“Ugh whatever. This is even better. At least we’ll get to make out in peace, you know?”

Even’s eyes went wide.

_What the fuck is this?_

“Even, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

_This is probably just a deja-vu moment. I probably didn’t even know this and just associated it with the dream, relax._

But he couldn’t relax. So after a few more minutes, he ended up asking Isak to switch places.

“Huh? Why?”

_Because I’m suddenly a superstitious, brainless moron._

It took some convincing but Isak ended up saying yes.

Even felt silly for a good while because everything was going great. They were laughing and bickering and teasing each other. And it was all perfect. It was perfect until it wasn’t.

It turned into chaos almost as fast as in his dream.

“I think we collided with another train. We’re probably getting derailed right now,” said Even.

Isak didn’t need to know how he knew that. Even held onto Isak’s hand then watched the window.

_Anytime now._

Even was ready, and as soon as he felt himself lose control over his body, he got ready to grasp anything.

He held onto the window edge for a while before he couldn’t anymore. But Isak was right there, holding onto his arms with both hands.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Isak was screaming. He was hysterical. He was crying. Even couldn’t look.

_Fuck. I knew we should have stayed home. Fuck. This is all my fault._

“I’m getting you out of here. I promise. Trust me, okay?! Just trust me,” Isak was crying and Even could see him losing his balance, as well.

_I can’t let you fall a second time._

Even was crying, too now.

_Fuck. I have to let go. You have to let me go. I’m a lost cause anyways. Fuck._

Even looked down. The train had moved a bit compared to his dream. So his fall would only be about fifteen meters instead of twenty. Perhaps he could make it. Perhaps.

“Even, what the fuck are you doing?!”

Even was letting go. His entire arm was numb now. He was scared, so scared. He thought of his mother and his father and his friends and Isak. Isak. Oh Isak.

_He will never forgive me for this._

“I have to. I love you, okay?”

“Fuck you! No! Even, please! Please!”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

Then nothing. He probably passed out before hitting the ground.

_Good._

* * *

**Now**

“Everything, baby. I remember everything.”

Isak stared at him for the longest time with big, big eyes.

_He wants to cry._

“How long?” said Isak, suddenly sitting up and turning his back to him.

“What?”

“How long have you had your memories back for?”

Even sat up, too.

“Remember the night I went back to my parents?”

Isak grabbed a pillow and shoved it in Even’s face

“Fuck you! Fuck you, Even! Just fuck! What the fuck?! That was weeks ago. Fucking weeks ago!”

Isak was on his feet now.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t book this suite until now.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You waited so that you could tell me in this fucking suite from hell? You know how much I hate it here. What the fuck, Even!”

“I just. I wanted to make that night better. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to recreate some of our memories. And I felt like this was important, like I had to fix it. I’m sorry.”

Isak’s back was still turned, and Even didn’t know what to do. He knew Isak would shove him if he tried touching him.

“I’m sorry,” Even whispered again.

_I blew it._

Even looked down at his hands, and barely had time to think about what to say next, when Isak’s weight was back on the bed. He crawled on his hands and knees until he was in Even’s face. Even whose eyes went wide, so wide.

“Isak-”

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” said Isak, before wrapping him into a tight hug. “Oh my god, who gives a shit when you tell me. Fuck, you’re back.”

Even melted into his hold and breathed him in.

“Isak,” his voice cracked and he didn’t know what to do anymore.

When Isak pulled back, Even was crying and Isak was, too.

“How are you? How are you, baby?” Isak ran his hands all over his face. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all that shit. I’m so sorry.”

Even had imagined them having this conversation over a thousand times, but it never involved him crying. It was all happy smiles and sex jokes in his head. But for some reason, he couldn’t stop crying under Isak’s touch. He just couldn’t stop.

“Isak, it was so fucking hard. I was so fucking lost,” he cried.

“No, no. Please don’t cry,” said Isak before taking him into his arms again.

They sat on the bed, with Isak on Even’s lap, wrapping his hands around Even’s back and pressing his head against his chest.

“It’s okay. We’re okay.”

.

“I was in my very own world,” said Even. “I lived in a big city, and I had a regular office job and a bunch of friends, but I didn’t remember their faces or their names. I don’t even know what my job was. I wasn’t bipolar and I banged random people every once in a while. I think it was like my idea of a perfect world, you know. A world in which I didn’t struggle with manic depression. But fuck, it sucked.”

“Let me guess, because I wasn’t there?” said Isak from under his arm, smiling.

“You’re smart,” said Even teasingly. “But yeah, basically. I started dreaming of you. You were everywhere. I was going crazy. I thought I had a tumor. I had hallucinations and stuff. But the dreams and the hallucinating was actually just my memories. How fucked up is that?”

“Wow,” said Isak. “Do you expect me to believe that your brain is this fixated on me?”

“Yes. And believe it or not but I heard you. I heard you calling me and asking me to wake up. I heard you. You pulled me back. You woke me up.”

“Shut up!”

“I’m serious, Isak.”

“Just shut up!”

.

They stayed up all night in that _damn_ suite. Even told Isak every little thing he remembered about his coma and watched his face distort when he got to the ‘fake Isak’ part.

“How dare you?!”

“I knew he wasn’t you when we had sex. He was shit compared to you, babe.”

“Fuck you!” Isak shoved him with a pillow.

“Will you stop shoving me?! I’m telling you that you’re a sex goddess I’d recognize anywhere even in a coma. Why are you so angry?” Even teased with a huge grin.

“You’re an asshole!”

“Yes, but I’m your asshole.”

“What the fuck, Even? You do realize that this is not cute! You’re not my asshole. Oh my god, do you hear yourself?”

.

“You know I feel like I could have stopped all of this shit from happening,” said Even.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you remember how weird I was being that morning? How I really didn’t want to go to the wedding?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s kind of fucked up but I had a dream the night before that,” said Even.

“Yeah, I remember. You had a nightmare, right?”

“Yeah. I know this is gonna sound fucked up but I’ll tell you anyways. I dreamed of the train and the accident. I dreamed that you sat by the window and that you were the one who fell through it. And before you call me crazy, I really did my best to ignore it but everything was just so similar to the dream you know? That’s why I insisted we switched seats.”

When Even stopped talking, Isak was silent beside him.

“Shit, are you thinking of getting me an appointment with a doctor?” said Even.

“Uh, well yeah, that’s happening because you have to deal with your PTSD now that you remember, anyways, but. What? Are you sure it wasn’t just, you know, a deja-vu feeling? Or a fake memory that you created after the accident?”

“I don’t know shit, Isak. I’m just telling you what I think I know. It doesn’t even matter now,” said Even.

“Of course it matters,” said Isak. “You’re saying that you put yourself in that window seat on purpose so that you could get hurt in my place. Do you realize how fucked up that sounds?”

Even reached out and cupped Isak’s face.

“Baby, look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing for me,” said Even.

Isak stayed silent for a second before mouthing a “Fuck, you’re right.”

.

They had until ten in the morning to check out, so Even set up an alarm at 9:30.

“No need to put on actual clothes,” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“I went down and got us another room for today.”

“What?”

“I booked us another room. I couldn’t get the suite. It was booked already. But the other room is decent. It has a nice view and the bed is as big as this one” said Isak.

“What are you talking about?” said Even.

“Babe, I booked us another room in this fucking hotel because if we don’t fuck soon I’m probably going to die.”

.

“I love you,” Even mumbled against Isak’s skin. “With all my heart, I love you.”

“Shut up, and fuck me,” Isak cried instead.

Even pulled back from where he was between Isak’s legs and raised his eyebrows.

“What did I say about being nice?” said Even.

“Fuck you! I’m dying. Stop prepping me. I’m not a fucking virgin!”

“Baby, we haven’t fucked in months. I just want to take care of you.”

“I don’t give a shit. I just need to feel you. I need you.”

Isak was a mess. _Oh my god._

“What’s the magic word?” said Even.

“If you think I’m calling you _daddy,_ you can fucking choke, Even.”

“Oh my god! I meant ‘please’. I meant ‘please’.”

.

Isak became pliant and good, so good for him, the moment Even sank into him. He held onto his neck and his shoulders and his hair and his back, and he moaned beautifully, so beautifully.

“You’re so beautiful, baby.”

“I love you so much, Even. So fucking much.”

Even kissed him everywhere and licked obnoxious stripes along his neck and his torso. He reached down between them to stroke him, and felt himself lose sight of everything that wasn’t Isak every time the younger boy gasped or pushed his hips upward, asking for more, always more.

“Shit, fuck, baby,” he moaned while pulling Even’s hair.

“So perfect. So fucking perfect.”

.

They both tipped over the edge at the same time, rather obnoxiously. Even was sure he had never moaned so loud and so hard before. He was still panting and groaning long after Isak. Isak who was still sitting on top of him.

“Oh my god, what’s up with you?” said Isak. “Rode you that good, huh?”

“Fuck. I think the coma thing did something to my dick.”

“Shut up! Holy shit.”

.

They cuddled for a while, with Isak drawing circles on Even’s torso.

“I’m sorry I ruined our first time.”

“Shut up, what the hell? That was ages ago, besides you didn’t ruin anything! It just happened. It wasn’t your fault,” said Isak.

“It wasn’t your fault either.”

“Hm?”

“The train stuff. I chose to let go. You didn’t let me fall or anything. You did everything you could do.”

Isak stayed silent.

“I know I’m going to sound really wacky again, but I think I peered into a parallel universe in my dream. I think that in another universe, I really let you sit by the window and that you were the one who fell. In another universe, I lost you and I lost myself, too. Because you’re not half of me. You’re all of me. If there’s one thing I got from this whole mess, it’s that. You’re everything to me. And I would sit by that window a thousand times over. I would let go every single time and crash to the ground and travel to this fake world and lose my damn mind looking for you. I’d do it every fucking time if it means I get to come back to you at the end. Every fucking time, Isak.”

“You can’t say shit like this, Even. You can’t!”

“Yes, I can.”

.

“So like you remember everything?” said Magnus.

“Yeah,” said Even.

“Holy shit! Like the accident and stuff?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh man, that’s rough. Like do you have PTSD from the accident and shit?”

“That’s enough, Mags,” said Jonas before walking over to Even and wrapping him in a tight hug. “Really glad to have you back, man. We were worried as fuck.”

“Thanks,” Even smiled at Jonas. He really, really, really liked Jonas.

“Oh my god! Did you know that you guys ruined Fredrik’s wedding? Like literally none of us actually attended. It was fucking hilarious!” said Magnus.

“It’s okay, Isak hates him anyways,” said Even.

“I heard that and I don’t hate him!” said Isak from where he was sitting with his headphones on the adjacent table.

“Does he always study all the time?” said Magnus.

“Yeah.”

“Shit, how do you cope? Is he that good in bed? Is he your princess?”

Jonas brought his palm to his head.

“Magnus, I can still hear you! Shut the fuck up!” Isak yelled.

“He’s really good in bed,” said Even, smiling.

“Oh my god, does he call you ‘daddy’? I saw one of his open tabs once about dirty talk and daddy was like on his list,” said Magnus.

“That’s it,” Isak left his chair. “Out of my fucking house, fuckface! And for the record, we’re versatile, okay! I’m not a princess. Fuck off!”

.

**Versatile princess <33333333**

13:21

Where are you?

Class why

Movie tonight?

K

K?

K?????

Ok.

Wow Asshole

I’m busy

Excuse me?

Yeah im stalking this cute guy

Even are you on my insta again

Uhm no? Wtf? who said anything about you?

Look how cute

[ ](https://scontent-lga3-1.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s320x320/e35/11417449_936382633100042_640054291_n.jpg)

Fuck you

 

>   [@isakyaki #isak4president](https://www.instagram.com/p/8tKgtWsz_c/)

> A post shared by @jonas9000 on Oct 11, 2015 at 10:28am PDT

EVEN! WTF where did you find THAT!!!

Jonas insta :’)

Even did u turn yourself into a meme?

Yes

Omg

You laughed didn’t you?

FINE

Did you have that ready? wow

In another universe, you’re not lame and i don’t have to try :’)

Ouch

Love you baby :p

I will make you laugh just wait!

Haha yeah right

15:15

OH MY GOD EVEN!!

HAHA

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU

15:47

[ ](https://imgflip.com/i/1m5t1w)

.

Even squeezed his phone and laughed until he cried.

_Oh my god._

.

Even truly believed that he was the happiest person in the universe. Sometimes, things got rough but it was okay. The happy moments wouldn’t be happy if there were no sad moments. Isak was constantly there being smart and grumpy and wonderful. And Even wanted nothing more in life.

But sometimes, he couldn’t help but feel incredibly sad and incredibly empty for a split of a second. Something deep within his soul, something he couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around, would cause him so much heartache that nothing made sense anymore. It never last more than a few seconds, but Even still felt it.

_Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so sad?_

He would hug Isak and pull him as close as possible, but he would still feel panic roaming inside his chest.

_You’re right here. But why do I miss you so bad? Why does it feel like I’m feeling someone’s else’s pain right now?_

* * *

The truth was that in another universe, Even never had that dream and never switched seats with Isak. In another universe, he truly lost him and truly lost himself in the process. In another universe, he never got over it and spent the rest of his days wrapped around his thoughts.

.

In a third universe, Even never woke up from his coma and Isak never pulled him out of his fake reality because his brain never recovered from the trauma.

.

In a fourth universe, Isak sat by the window and survived the fall, but never remembered who he was or who anyone else was.

.

In a fifth universe, both of them fell out the window and neither of them made it, but it was okay. Because at least they were together.

.

In a sixth universe, they didn’t even know each other but still ended up on that same train. Isak still held onto Even’s arm, and Even still let go because for some reason, he felt like he had to.

.

In an Nth universe, Isak had that dream that Even would fall out the window, so he refused to give up his seat. In that universe, Even held onto his arm with all of his might, but Isak chose to let go because he had to.

In that universe, Isak is currently in a coma, desperately trying to find his way back. In that universe, Even is sitting by his bed and trying to stay strong for him. In that universe, Even is whispering sweet nothings into Isak’s ears and holding on tight, so tight. In that universe, Even is considering giving up right now, but somehow, something deep in soul is telling him to hold on. So he does.

In that universe, Even is holding Isak’s hand and whispering.

**“Wake Up! Wake Up!”**

Until he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. lol. I'm sorry???? I really wanted to go THERE. I'm just so fascinated with the infinity of everything. You guys know I can never write a verse that doesn't end with a happy ending, but I wanted to at least acknowledge their existence.  
> If the ending didn't make sense, Even essentially connected with every Even out there in the parallel universes and sometimes feels the pain of the Even's who didn't get a happy ending like he did. It's only fleeing and it doesn't ruin his life but he feels it from time to time. I wanted to go over how Isak would do the exact same thing for Even and how they're just EPIC/COSMIC/EVERYTHING. brb crying.  
> I'm sorry for the trippy stuff and if it wasn't your cuppa. My next verse will stick to 'reality'.  
> What did you think of Even's meme skills? (okay if you guys know anything about me it's that Henke has provided me with so many memes and that I am forever grateful haha. The Isak stuff was all actually posted by SKAM related accounts so it's not Tarjei but actually Isak.)  
> .  
> Thank you guys for all your comments and messages and reviews. Means the world <33333\. I hope this ending wasn't too weird and that you don't hate me too much *hugssss* And woaah at all the countries you guys are from I'm honestly mindblown! (omg I didn't know I had Norwegian readers! woaaaah <3) Thank you MissYourrrr for the original prompt/inspiration, OfeliaLee for the song recs and the daily cheering <3, BeautySometimes for being oh so wonderful and cute and making me cry every day, OurLovelyBones for being my supportive wife ilysm and fighting to comment first <3, MinkeFreak for talking to me every day, little_carrot for just being so so sweet to me thank you so much, 3STB for making me cry and being here since INIL, mornmeril for always asking if i'm okay haha <3, firaachan for that incredible comment i'm still emo!!, Evakkk for all your incredible comments honestly, hjernen_er_alene for leaving a comment even while traveling. And honestly everyone else. You guys are just beyond amazing so thank you so much <333 And I want to give all of you shoutouts haha.  
> .  
> Leave me prompts for the next verse (Hate To Love) in the comments. I already got a few and I'm so so happy with them haha <333333

**Author's Note:**

> omg byyyyee <3 fjkshkfjd  
> Your comments/kudos/asks make my days <3  
> Some of you wanted weirdness in the tag. Here is some <3 I'm a huge fan of storytelling involving dreaming/memories/subconsciousness  
> I hope this somewhat made sense. Love you guyssss as always <333


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